from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
date Sun, Oct 1, 2006 at 10:31 PM
subject Friends proud of slain soldier; Effondrement du viaduc: Charest assure que l’argent n’y est pour rien
Dear Stephen,
I still don’t have my computer back, which is now becoming like a kind of vacation where I’m not checking my email every ten minutes. Of course, it also means things aren’t getting done that should probably be done but oh well.
So since the last time I’ve written you lots has happened. The Continental Drift International Short Film Festival was launched and ran through fours different programs, including the well-attended Mini-Movie fest at the gallery this afternoon. An overpass in Laval collapsed killing five people and spawning a nationwide debate over the structural integrity of our infrastructure. The bar was really quite busy the last couple nights, which is good because I’m trying to save money. Claudine is wheezing from asthma at night; this hasn’t bothered her in years and I have to wonder if the city has anything to do with it. The cats are playing with each other and sleeping together on the bed. One of the directors whose film ( http://www.thermidorfilms.com/goshawk/) was in the festival is staying with us until tomorrow morning. The article Karen Ruet wrote about the PM Project in Baltimore was in the Reader on Saturday. Saturday was actually the first day in over a week that we actually got the paper without having to call first.
Your recent budget cuts affect not only the legal aid system but also literacy programs. What, you don’t want people to learn to read? And thought he cuts to the long arm gun registry were expected the cuts to the museums touring program wasn’t; that little bit of budget magic will result in a loss of between $50 – $200 thousand per year for the local New Brunswick Museum. What, you don’t want people to learn about their cultures?
You sound defensive lately. I was reading an article where you were trying to blame the current direction of the Afghanistan mission on Paul Martin. You do realize of course that it was you and your government that pushed for an extension of the mission, which sort of makes blaming its current problems on Paul a moot point. It also makes you sound a little bit desperate; you’ve been PM for over 8 months, almost nine. Although that is roughly the same amount of time it takes to make a baby, it doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
-chris
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
bcc Andy Cook <tapeandscissors@gmail.com>,
date Mon, Oct 2, 2006 at 10:38 PM
subject Tories get tough on auto industry; Les rapports verbaux d’inspection sont rassurants, dit le ministère
Dear Stephen,
We went to the hospital last night shortly after I wrote you. Claudine’s asthma was getting worse and she couldn’t sleep, so we called a cab and away we went. It was like a weird dream, there were no people in the waiting room, we read magazines, then she had breathing tests and then was given different puffers and we waited some more and eventually were cleared to go. We got home just after 4 and she was too wired to sleep from all the steroids.
After getting up I spent most of the day at the Arts Centre documenting and then dismantling Jasper’s piece. Everything is ready to be placed in the crate but I can’t do that until tomorrow morning just before loading it into the Element. It is too heavy and awkward to move from the loading bay to the parking lot fully loaded. Larry, the maintenance guy at the SJAC, should be able to give me a hand. I’m meeting Judy early to get the truck.
Made a leftovers casserole tonight for supper and then Claudine and I headed to the gallery to prepare for the screening of Network. It is such a great movie. I love how it unwittingly forecast the rise of FOX and trash journalism. We drew another modest audience. I’m wondering exactly what we have to do in this town to attract an audience for free popcprn and movies on a ten foot screen? It makes me wonder what people are actually doing on Monday evenings. The streets were practically deserted as we walked home in the crisp autumn air.
A warm bath would be nice right about now.
-chris
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
cc Andy Cook <tapeandscissors@gmail.com>,
date Wed, Oct 4, 2006 at 4:36 PM
subject Two Canadian soldiers killed in Afghanistan; Bernard Landry trouve inappropriée la nomination de Pierre Marc Johnson
Dear Stephen,
Was up early yesterday to finish packing up Jasper’s crate. Borrowed Judith’s Element and Larry at the SJAC helped me load the crate into it. It fit quite well actually. It went smooth at the airport, though it took me a little while to find the right hangar. The correct one had signs all over the boarded up windows that said it was the wrong location. Maybe it helps them work in peace.
Claudine’s sister Joanne gave birth to a bouncing baby boy yesterday evening. As one would imagine everyone is quite excited and pleased. Both mama et bebe are doing well, from recent reports.
I had french class last night which was fun. It is a very conversational class but I still have a bit of grammatical homework to do before next week.
Still no computer. Terra can’t find a proper box and I have yet to be able to coordinate a pickup.
I keep reading and hearing all sorts of nasty reports about what you and your hatchet-lackeys are up to on parliament hill. If one was to look at the silver lining I guess you’ll do more to unify this country against you than anything else. I’m sure you’ll have no trouble finding work with some right-wing think tank or economics policy board after you’re booted out next year. Heck, maybe you could become a full-fledged evangelical preacher.
On top of cuts to literacy programs, legal aid, day care, women’s shelters (“The federal Conservative government says it will no longer fund women’s groups that do advocacy, lobbying or general research, leaving some to wonder what’s left”) and a muddled environmental policy, more cuts to museums, you are officially “unofficially” killing the National Portrait Gallery. Yep, there goes a decade of work, a million artifacts and over $10 million down the drain. I don’t know yet whether this affects my acquisition or not but I’m pissed nonetheless. I imagine the architects, designers, contractors and employees are fuming even more. You really are an asshole. And now you’re cosying up even more to the right-wing bigots in your obsession over homosexuals. Why don’t you just get over it already? In the words of Napoleon Dynamite: IDIOT!
Anyway, today I attended a nice little ceremony in the Mayor’s Red Room as twelve cultural organizations were awarded just over $30 thousand in funding from the new SJCAF. It’s ironic how after years of nothing this little city is supporting the arts in a big way just as you turn Parliament Hill into the Dark Ages. I can only hope that this slash and burn mentality will come back to haunt you as soon as the next election is called, which won’t be soon enough.
-chris
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
cc Andy Cook <tapeandscissors@gmail.com>,
date Sat, Oct 7, 2006 at 1:52 AM
subject Bodies of two Canadian soldiers return home; Le PQ tente d’occulter son option à l’approche des élections, selon Couillard
Dear Stephen,
Happy Thanksgiving. Any plans for the long weekend? I’ve decided to ditch both my parents, who are driving to NS to visit family, and Claudine, who is hiking at Mt. Katadin in Maine, in favour of working at the under-populated bar I call my day-job. To say I’ve been stressed out lately due to money woes would be an understatement. My VISA bill is huge and I’ll need to work like a madman until Christmas to pay it down. This had only helped to contribute to my overall feeling of malaise of even being here. Claudine says she feels dead inside; this is just not working out. She feels so estranged from this place and at the moment I feel estranged from everybody. The recent announcements that Irving might open another oil refinery just serve to remind me of how outside this community I feel. If there is no need, no hunger for a contemporary arts centre here, then what the hell am I doing here?
-chris
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
date Mon, Oct 9, 2006 at 9:53 AM
subject Ramp ceremony held for Wilson; Le ministre O’Connor réclame davantage de soutien des pays de l’OTAN
Dear Stephen,
Sorry that I haven’t been writing. I’ve been feeling depressed lately and have no motivation. Fought with Claudine Friday evening over a horrible meal at Mings, over the city, and moving, and how we’re feeling dead inside. I’m mad at myself for falling so deep into debt, for working so much for the gallery for free, for working in a bar. I met with Judy on Saturday and told her we’re leaving in May for Québec and she seemed genuinely shocked. She’ll be even more shocked if we end up leaving before Christmas. There may not even be a “we”. My depression and uncertainties and financial incompetence has led Claudine to believe she can’t marry me and I have doubts we’ll survive as a couple much longer. I’m just about ready to throw in the towel on this whole art business.
-chris
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
date Wed, Oct 11, 2006 at 9:28 PM
subject ‘Late bloomer’ trooper remembered fondly; Un comité définira les accommodements religieux raisonnables à l’école
Dear Stephen,
Sorry I haven’t written lately. I’m still feeling depressed though not as bad; I’m trying to pull myself out of it. The rift, if one could call it that, between Claudine and I hasn’t been resolved. If anything, it is burning deeper. She wants to leave ASAP. I have reservations about up and leaving so soon; there are unfinished projects with the gallery, I don’t want it to collapse, I also don’t want to move back to Québec struggling under debt. Half of me wants to give up, to let her go and damn the consequences. It feels like being at a crossroads: I can choose a life of art and curating, small-town gallery and notoriety, close to family and friends, or I can move back to Québec, resign to art as a pastime, find a real job, raise a family. Or, as Claudine argues, do something in-between. Normally I see things in shades of grey so what is my problem here? Is it a fear of commitment thing?? And what’s with my complete lack of personal fiscal management? I know I keep saying this but I need to get my shit together. Any tips? Why can’t I reconcile my life? Where does this nihilist, self-destructive tendency come from?
So we went to a farewell / birthday party for Judy Monday night. I had been working on ad designs with Ray and helping Claudine with a cake for most of the day. Drove back uptown to open the gallery for the movie night but as it was a holiday and our promotion sucks there were only two people, who offered to leave, as I wasn’t going to stay. Back to Judy’s for the blowing out of candles. Stayed to help with dishes. Still feeling estranged from friends and family.
Spent Tuesday rushed design work for the posters for the Kitchen Party show. Finally finished the final reports and sent them off. I hope we get the money for the next grant before the artists are all here expecting their cheques.
I don’t even want to get into politics with you at the moment. It makes me even more furious and depressed.
-chris
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
date Mon, Oct 16, 2006 at 12:41 AM
subject Liberal leadership candidates square off; Rae, Ignatieff et Dion s’attaquent à fond lors du dernier débat libéral
Dear Stephen,
I made a whopping $140 in tips from Wednesday-Saturday. Pathetic! It’s mostly because Jess worked the later Thursday and Saturday and we split Friday. At this rate, if I spend my money on nothing beside the essentials, I’ll be able to pay off my VISA in about fifteen weeks. Thrilling! But it won’t get me to Argentina in January.
It was nice to take late Saturday off, after spending the day in the gallery and then the bar, and squeezing in a quick visit with Mary, whose situation of missing her new teeth is inspiring me to create a children’s story. Claudine and I had a bottle of wine and watched Withnail and I, which had come in mail courtesy of Zip.ca
Today we made apple pies with the last of our apples and cleaned the kitchen and headed out to meet my parents at their church hall for a pot luck and screening of their cycling photos. I missed a Book Club meeting but I hadn’t read the book yet anyway, All my friends are superheroes, by Andrew Kaufman. I’ll add it to the list.
Spent the rest of the evening working on my Performance Art 101 presentation for tomorrow evening. I have a packed day which will start with a 6:15AM CBC radio interview about the Kitchen Party. I’d best get some sleep. Claudine is still up teaching herself to knit as she makes a toque for her new nephew, who is still sans nom.
-chris
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
date Wed, Oct 18, 2006 at 1:07 PM
subject Lawyer fingers Mexican attorney general; Le guide annuel des jouets et des livres pour parents avertis est arrivé
It’s only halfway through the week and I’m already exhausted. Matthieu et Geneviève arrived Monday afternoon; I gave a talk called ‘Performance Art 101’ at the Gallery that night that was poorly-attended (but also poorly-advertised; a good chunk of the email I sent out on Judith’s account bounced back because of the low-res poster I attached the media release, d’oh!). Phillip Huggard came and put me a bit on the defensive with his remarks, such as comparing performance artists to those living in mental institutions (of course, I was showing the extremes, the Chris Burdens, Carolee Schneemans, Marina Abramovics and Paul McCarthys, but still). I suspect there is a general hostile attitude to performance art because it represents so much that Saint John is not: critique, culturally diverse, challenging, cosmopolitan and complex.
Last night Mathieu and his new blonde Chimi arrived and we had a potluck at our apartment, cooked salmon on the barbecue and roasted vegetables in the oven. Skipped my french class but spent the whole evening in french so I didn’t feel so bad.
There’s been a flurry of communication with Canada Council over the past week as I’ve tried to get final report documents in so we can get the financing for Kitchen Party. It won’t come in time so now I have to figure out a polite way to pay some money to the artists up front and the rest in a series of cheques post-dated to next week. Real smooth. Very professional.
Off to meet with Mary. Apparently her teeth are being repaired with the dentist.
—
Chris Lloyd Projects
http://www.dearpm.blogspot.com
A Division of ADD Painters:
“we’re here to swerve”
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
date Mon, Oct 23, 2006 at 12:20 AM
subject Doubtful overpass to be torn down; Dans l’espoir de regagner Québec, Duceppe évoque des projets grandioses
Dear Stephen,
The Kitchen Party is over. It was a fast, frenetic, fun and stress-filled week. I still can’t decide if it was a success or failure or just in-between. Most of the artists seemed quite happy with it, and provided helpful and constructive criticism on certain organizational aspects of the event, such as my notorious lack of communication. I really need to work on that.
Claudine is in Montréal for two weeks, I drove her to the airport this morning. That was my first of three trips to the airport. It was a good thing she had rented the car for a day trip tot he beach yesterday with some of the artists. She is visiting her sister and new nephew and parents. Claudine and I have been named godparents of Jo’s baby boy, still sans nom, which is a great honour an privilege, and made me all emotional. When Claudine told me on the phone tonight I wished so much I had gone with her to Montréal, or maybe hitched a ride with WWKA and surprised her, even if for only 2 days, because it seems news best meant for sharing in person.
But it makes me emotional in other ways, in that it reminds me yet again how ineffective I can be in my own life, how I let family and friends by the wayside in my workaholic nature. And for what? To build a contemporary art scene in Saint John? For performance and video art and things people don’t appreciate?
Then again, the high school presentation Saturday afternoon seemed to go well, and makes me feel that it is all making a difference.
And other times I feel weighted down with the idea of mortality and death and feel like I’m losing my grip. You must know that I have these highs and lows by now, or you would if you read any of theses letters.
We were out until 5:30 in the morning at Greg and Tidby’s massive Bush Party on the Acamac Back Road, I drove there after work with Tim and his new girlfriend, whom we abandoned there. We drove back with Geneviève, Dagmara (one of the WWKA who I would have a massive crush on if I was not so contented and in love with Claudine, and who was staying with Karina and John, which is another wierd aspect to life here), and Stefan, and we all stopped for All You Can Eat buffet breakfast at the Colonial Inns on City Road. Probably not the best idea for Claudine, who had had too much too drink, and was in rough shape this morning before getting on the plane.
But you don’t care to hear about this, and I’m tired, so I’m going to sleep.
-chris
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
date Tue, Oct 24, 2006 at 11:18 PM
subject Economy’s domestic side still strong; Le DGE dépose un rapport accablant sur l’expérience du vote électronique
Dear Stephen,
Just finished watching L’Audition for the second time in as many nights. It’s a tear-jerker, a film by Québecker Luc Picard, about having and losing children; about loss, and yearning, and uncertainty, and acting. It hits me hard, in particular because the idea of having kids seems so present lately in our lives. Claudine is visiting her sister and our new godson; her friend Fannie is due next week; her cousin Benoit and his wife Sandra had a baby last month; her friend Stephanie here in Saint John is pregnant, and Dave and Marie-Ellen had their baby last month. So all this baby action around puts it at the forefront of our minds.
I think the idea of having a baby scares me because I’m afraid I’m not responsible enough to raise a baby. Then I think of all the goofballs that have children anyway and I figure we would probably be OK. But all sorts of other things come to my mind, such as how close Karina and I had come to having a baby, how spoiled I was during our relationship and how I acted so inappropriately. How can I ever be a role model? Then there is the whole job/employment thing, because we’ll of course be living in Québec before we have kids and I need to find some form of steady work. I have this vague idea that the gallery experience here will somehow help.
I enjoyed my french class tonight but it certainly seems more and more that if Claudine and I had set up a schedule of instruction at home with her I’d get better practice and training and correction. Mais c’est pas grave, c’est pas le pire. En plus c’est un chose un peu sociable.
Tonight I chose L’Audition over K-Os, because even though Judith had reserved tickets for us she was feeling too jet-lagged, and I didn’t really feel like going in the first place. It’s a hassle to get the 3-Mile anyway. I think I need a quiet week, I’m even looking forward to working a the bar and making some money to put on my VISA. Fucking VISA.
I’m not posting the letters to the blog at the moment. I just feel I need some space from the project. I’m sure you don’t mind.
-chris
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
date Thu, Oct 26, 2006 at 1:35 PM
subject So far so good for newborn twins; “Nation québécoise” n’a pas le même sens dans les deux langues, dit Kennedy
Dear Stephen,
Haven’t really been doing much lately. Worked on some gallery stuff in the late morning/early afternoon yesterday, then borrowed Judy’s Element for a happinez wine and pretzel run. Stocked the bar, and met briefly with Caroline Walker from the NB Arts. I’m jurying some entries for the arts component of the upcoming Canada Games. Spent the rest of the day and evening at the bar. Lisa came by for a visit and I ate at Lemongrass. The night was not busy and I spent half my tips on a cab ride home to get my computer charger. I would’ve been bored to tears without my computer.
My latest strategy is to get the band Malajube to play in Saint John. Arcade Fire is just too big and daunting but I think with Malajube there is more of a possibility.
Have been occupying myself with washing, drying and folding laundry today before work.
-chris
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
date Sat, Oct 28, 2006 at 12:45 AM
subject Saskatchewan cuts PST to five per cent; Des syndicats d’enseignants montent au front contre la réforme
Dear Stephen,
Woke up late,but not too late, made bacon and eggs, coffee, orange juice, read the paper, masturbated again, I do that more when I’m alone, when my love is away, headed out in search of Halloween costumes, the plan was for Jess and I to be “Peace and Quiet” tonight, she a hippie, me a mime, but despite gathering some of the materials the costumes never materialized, the night at the bar started off busy, my parents were there, with a friend from their University days, Mom is going to a reunion of sorts in Moncton tomorrow, they had a couple bottles of wine, then the evening slowed right down, I went to Elwoods after 11pm and caught a great solo musician from Fredericton before the Vetch CD launch and then came home, slightly bored and tired.
Sometimes I think I write these letters only to write something, that something is better than nothing, and that ultimately they stem from an unwillingness to concede that after death there is nothing, or whatever there remains is beyond our comprehension. Life is for the living. The concept of death has bothered me for some time now. What bothers me about it is the complete uncertainty it offers. In a world that strives to be so well-defined the fact that nobody knows what “happens” after death is quite startling and amazing.
Tickets for Guns ‘n Roses in Saint John go on sale tomorrow. I don’t think they are worth the $72. I’m feeling down on the city again, though at least I’m not depressed, more like being annoyed. Annoyed that people go out once a month, if that. Annoyed that My job as barman seems to create a certain distance between people; I can only really connect with the community in roles either as barman or gallery director. And nobody has a clue what the gallery is or does.
It’s like staring a mid-life crisis right in the eyes: life with Claudine and moving to Québec to raise french babies, working in whatever field I can, hopefully something in the arts, if I can get my shit together. But there is a part of me that wants to be irresponsible, behave badly, make crazy art, live freely, live as far outside the boundaries as possible. Can I reconcile these lives, these desires?
Karina was in the bar tonight, and sometimes, quite often actually, I think aqbout how terrible I was to her and I feel terrible and guilty. I don’t want to mess up the life of anyone else.
-chris
from chris lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
to pm@pm.gc.ca,
date Mon, Oct 30, 2006 at 10:52 AM
subject Winds leave thousands in the dark; André Boisclair invite les libéraux à prendre le virage du “beau risque”
Dear Stephen,
How was your weekend? I worked Friday and Saturday nights, both were less busy than last week, and lousy for tips. Saturday night was especially slow and I spent half my tips on cab fare to and from Hugh MaKay’s house in Rothesay. I dressed as a mime. Nobody likes a mime, especially one as annoying as me. I was half-drunk when I arrived and the Canadian Club I found at the party finished the job. I was last man standing, then hit the Gothic Arches. According to eyewitness reports, I attempted to crowd surf, which was a dismal failure, a backwards stage dive. Supposedly I also charged at a penis costume, climbed a rope to the upper balcony, was drinking from random cups and was almost flattened by a huge man in a gorilla costume. Jess intervened and offered me a ride home which I refused, preferring instead to pass out on a sidewalk street corner, waking only to walk the wrong direction home. I certainly can tie one on every now and again. It’s not the ghosts and goblins that I fear on Halloween, it’s the way I lose my head when I drink too much.
After a week of relative calm and stability I’m feeling depressed again. It’s not exactly depression though, more like general sadness. I’m feeling inadequate and lazy and incompetent. I feel unfit for parenthood and a failure as an artist. I’m a financial disaster and I’m feeling lost, alone and worried about death. I’m having irrational fears of just dying in the night, and that’ll be it, nadda, zip, nothing. It’s hard to comprehend nothing. And I can’t decide on an afterlife. I have all the time in the world yet I feel pressed for time, the world is pressed for time.
Hung out with Rae yesterday afternoon. He called me as he was finishing work and I was just getting out of bed. We had coffee and ice cream at Opera and watched the sky turn dark as if it was the Last Days. Met Peter at the bar as we stopped to gather my things. I’ve lost my phone. We had a salad at Boston Pizza (still no spinach), then watched Trailor Park Boys, the movie. It was disappointing. I came home and read, read some more, tried to sleep, read some more, stared at the ceiling, watched the hallway, tossed and turned all night. Had boring dreams that woke me with their monotony.
I fear I’ve lost the ability to be thrilled.
I think I’m going to go on a cleaning tear throughout the apartment. I’m a pack rat for junk I’m never going to use. The weight of it all blocks me from ever doing anything. I need to be lighter.
-chris
DEAR PM 