rom chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 1, 2019, 11:02 PM
subject Wed wed wed
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a glorious afternoon and evening with Judith and Robert on the peninsula with the nature, the trees, the fields, the bugs and the mushrooms. Great trip! And great discussions and making action plans and all sorts of important stuff.
Then read an email from Clo effectively ending my hopes in reconciliation. No desire, and no desire to rekindle whatever might have been there years ago.
So it’s over.
I’m devastated, but trying to see the positive sides.
I’m still looking.
Still looking.
I’m sure I’ll be ok. I always am. Jump right back up I do.
Yep.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 2, 2019, 9:13 PM
subject Weld weld weld
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a sleepless night, sporadic texts with Clo, a couple hours of intense therapy and coaching from Judith and Robert, helping me stick to my guns. I’m going to keep communications with Clo to a minimum and set up a meeting with her next week to discuss logistics moving forward. I’ll most likely take the job with Judith in SJ end of September, and then either put the house up for sale in January or Clo can offer to buy me out and I’ll look for an apartment. My focus and my goals for the next few months are my health, growth, healing, working, saving money and prioritizing the kids. I’m off the dating apps. I might even quit drinking.
And maybe, just maybe after separating and moving on Clo will realize what she is missing, and giving up.
And maybe we’ll just stay good friends, but I will be a much better me.
I thanked her for her honesty and clarity in telling me she doesn’t want to work on re-establishing intimacy with me. It unshackles me. I feel and and broken but also free. And strong and getting stronger.
Drove to Halifax today, my mom drove and then continued on to Lunenburg. Rose and Sol very happy to see their cousin Jordyn, they played in the pool and then the playground. I went to get my haircut.
-chris
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 4, 2019, 9:59 PM
subject We we we
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am spending the night in Otnabog with the kids. My mom picked us up at Trevor’s after we spent the day at the Atlantic Splash Adventure, where Trevor had worked on helping install the new waterslides and other upgrades. The kids had a blast.
On Saturday we went to Rissers beach, the kids had a blast jumping and surfing the ocean waves. We visited my grandmother, Nanny to me but GG to the kids.
Clo and I set a date to talk, Tuesday evening. I’m driving back to Montreal tomorrow then hoping to finish the bathroom renos Tuesday and Wednesday. I’ve got a painting contract with Anne and Laurent to start this week too, as well as a couple projects with Mutek. I’m trying to keep myself busy and my mind occupied, and not think too much about the impending breakup (though it is all I think about).
-chris
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 5, 2019, 10:30 PM
subject Were were were
Dear justin,
I am still alive. I survived the drive from NBM to Montréal tonight. All in one go. Now I am too sleepy to write more, I had a couple sleeping pills. Visited with Sarah and Pascal tonight. The kids were very, very sad to see me go. So were my parents. But I have shit to do. Good night.
Dictated, not corrected
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 6, 2019, 11:38 PM
subject Wild wild wild
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a talk with Clo tonight about us uncoupling. No anger, no animosity, we both simply want different things from our relationship with each other. I’m so sad though. I cried off and on all day while working on the bathroom renos. Also Clo is working super long hours as the festival is just around the corner. We… what are we doing? People are strange. I’m trying to be zen about it all. Nothing lasts forever. I start my 50mg dosage of lamotrigine tonight. Took only 1 sleeping pill as last night something kept me awake, the anxiety of going through with breaking up or just driving all day, who knows.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 8, 2019, 6:36 PM
subject will will will
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am thriving. At least that is what I need to start telling myself. Had a nice long chat with Mo yesterday, he’s noticed a difference since coming back from vacation. I think Judith’s coaching has had immediate effects. I am still sad. I still miss and long for a complete relationship with Clo, but separating will be good for me in the long run. I need to be more independent.
Last night I took AAA to an advance screening of The Kitchen. It was great to see a mobster movie featuring such strong women. Afterwards we went back to her place, played strip battleship and I was able to stay hard through the magic of viagra, or at least the generic version of it. Stayed overnight but had weird dreams and kept waking up. It’s been a solid week since I’ve had a decent night sleep.
I’ve been all over town today running errands and getting myself ready for the avalanche of work ahead of me: 3 MUTEK projects, painting Anne and Laurent’s house, and the Vox install starting Monday. And finishing the bathroom. I don’t think I’ll see much of Claudine for the next 2 weeks, and I think that will be a help as well. Now I just have to learn to live with the triggers at home, even alone, or start couch surfing. Tonight I am going to visit SRoberts to tell her all the latest and crash the night. I see Yaël tomorrow morning.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
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° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 9, 2019, 10:45 PM
subject Why why why
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am thriving. I had a good talk with SRoberts last night, and an even better session with my therapist Yaël this morning. Both encounters, plus the way I’ve been feeling since Tuesday, led me to crafting an email to Clo outlining new boundaries. I cancelled the potential Labour Day weekend chalet rental plans with my parents; I decided to not attend any Mutek events; I asked that we not overlap in our stays at the house, and also that we start texting only once per day. I really think that carving out more space and distance for myself, and avoiding hurtful situations, will help me through this transition. I need to concentrate solely on my work: the multiple contracts I am currently juggling. I’ll still have feelings, and I still have tears, but I am determined to move forward.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 11, 2019, 11:52 AM
subject when when when
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am thriving. I had some major breakdowns yesterday while building the screens for Mutek at Vox. The gallery is a mess. I am behind schedule; there are 2 other Mutek projects and I haven’t started painting at Anne’s yet, and I’m going to Concordia in half an hour to work there for the afternoon. But first, I am about to text Claudine and ask her we have no contact – not even texts – for at least a week. Maybe 2. We’ve coordinated already when each of us will be at the house, so for me there is nothing more to say. I am moving beyond grief through anger to serenity. I will make myself the best version of me that is possible. I can only do that if I stop relying on her and our relationship. I need to do this on my own. No distractions, no chaos. No more tears.
-chris
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 13, 2019, 12:22 AM
subject Wish wish wish
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am thriving. And I haven’t cried in 2 days. No signs of depression. I’m moving through grief to anger, and from anger to acceptance. But I am also falling behind on my projects, though not all my fault. I had to chop 9” off the tops of the screens I built for Mutek because the dimensions on the plans was incorrect. I barely painted at Anne’s and still have a platform to make, all on top of the install at Vox. I took a melatonin. I think I hope I’ll sleep tonight.
-chris
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 14, 2019, 12:14 AM
subject Welt welt welt
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am thriving, and made it through a 3rd straight day of no crying. I think this is a record for me these past few months. Before that it was maybe once a year, tops.
These 15-16 hour days probably help keep my emotions in check, but right now I think the melatonin is having effect. Good night.
-chris
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 15, 2019, 12:27 AM
subject Wipe wipe wipe
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am thriving. Four days straight and no tears. Had a good meeting with my psychiatrist this morning to check on my dosage. He was a bit taken aback by the news that Claudine and I are separating. I also told my parents and brothers via email. Anyway, I am too tired to write, I’ve copied the letter I wrote to Rose. She loves getting letters at camp.
Hi Rosy-bagosy! It is after midnight and I am just getting home. I stayed late at Anne and Laurent’s house trying to get as much painting as I could before they come back tomorrow. And for the day I was at Vox, getting the galleries ready for the next show. You’ll really like it, there are lots of weird sculptures and videos and a giant pear and bright yellow bean bags. One of the videos is a whole bunch of those unboxing videos from YouTube, I know you have watched some of those. Maybe you’ll come to the opening with me on September 4? I miss you and hope you are having great fun at camp. Oh, and we’ve changed our plans a little bit, I am going to come meet you and Sol in Rivière du Loup and you’ll come back to Montreal with me. Nana and Big Papa want to go mountain biking that week so they will come to see us another time. But this means that we’ll see each other sooner, on Saturday the 24th, so in only 10 more sleeps!
-chris
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 18, 2019, 9:33 PM
subject wine wine wine
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am thriving. I am tired, I had a crazy weekend. Friday night AAA invited me to a house party for a friend, also an artist from out west. He was in the city visiting his girlfriend who lives on the same street I first lived on when I moved to Montreal in 2004, de la Roche. Anyway, TJ was making bannock and AAA had a little MDMA and we were drinking, and TJ’s girlfriend read our Tarot, and it was spot-on, and then people slowly started to leave and then TJ took off his pants, then the rest of his clothes, and then invited us for a foursome, and we obliged, and it was fun! AAA crashed at my place, we didn’t get to sleep until almost 6. I had to finish that platform for Mutek and also had taken another painting gig in NDG, but had to abandon it halfway through because Clo needed the car to help move the last of S,s stuff out of our house. We decided to meet face-to-face at Petit Alep for a late supper. We talked a bit about our feelings as we go through this breakup, living arrangements for the coming months, the differences in how we viewed our relationship (pillars vs. trees). Today I dropped off the platform at SAT and worked with Josée and Pascal at Aux sept doigts setting up a projector and hanging a picture from a railing 30′ up. AAA and I were going to watch a 25th anniversary outdoor screening of Pulp Fiction tonight but she is exhausted from a date with a sugar daddy last night. I’m going to watch some Tidying up with Marie Kondo, maybe it will help inspire me to clean up my crap.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 20, 2019, 9:45 PM
subject wit wit wit
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am thriving. I also survived a late night at the Mutek cocktail – saw Claudine briefly at the beginning, she seemed either genuinely surprised and happy to see me, or it was ingenuous and forced – but I was with AAA and TJ and his girlfriend and we got rather drunk and after the third venue – the SAT – we went to Café Cleopatra. The girls had a table dance while TJ and I watched, then AAA and I jumped in a cab to her place. I so much wanted to sleep in this morning but it was a big day at Vox: Atom was in to help with the big Felicity Hammond installation, and I had to go to Chateau Dufresne to deinstall Claire’s show. I’m about to go to bed. Haven’t texted with Claudine since Saturday. I am liking the distance, it feels with each passing day I am getting more and more over her, getting stronger to sever the ties further and further.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 21, 2019, 3:17 AM
subject witty witty witty
Dear Justin,
I woke up at 2am thinking it was 5am, with my thoughts, as usual, on Claudine and our breakup, but I’m staying courageous, and sticking to the plan, and even wanting to accelerate it. I need to avoid her as completely as possible. This is a breakup after all. I re-read my letters to you since last fall, putting the timeline in order, from her revealing to me her lack on desire in early November, to admitting her love and covert relationship with Stephen – no need in hiding his name any more, protecting her. They had been developing feelings for one another while working together at Oboro. They got together last August – probably exactly a year ago, during Mutek – and continued their affair for 2 months, while Clo and I were in couples therapy. This is why I gave my free Mutek tickets away, Mutek 4 years ago was one of the failed ways Claudine and I were trying to “re-connect”, like taking MDMA. For her our family life and spending time as a family is what gives her feelings of love and connection, but that triggers me, so I have to cut that off as well. We may need to tell the kids sooner than we expected and planned. I don’t plan or expect to see Claudine before I get the kids on Saturday. She may be surprised to learn I don’t want to have any overlap with her at the house of any kind, even when the kids return. And it is beyond spite and anger and hurtfulness. It is what I have to do to finally get over her. Reading my letters from last fall until now, I really see the cycles, the waves of depression, my uncertainty, and mostly the pain I went through. I wish I had had the strength for us to break up back int he fall, and to follow-through with the couple times I attempted to create distance between us before. She would break down, afraid of losing our cosy family life, and I would cave in, always in the hopes that she could find her desire for me again. What a fucking idiot I was (and am). Now I’m all worked up but I need to get back to sleep. I’ll finish watching Queer Eye, maybe watch some porn.
I’ve started 75mg of lamotrigine. I really think this medication is helping my mood disorder. I’m also broke again, waiting for Anne to pay for the painting I have done so far, and Mutek to pay as well, though I only submitted my invoice to Claudine last night and what with the festival going on this week I know she will have no time to process the invoice.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 23, 2019, 11:54 PM
subject wily wily wily
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am only just surviving today. It was a rough day, full of all the emotions. I had insomnia again, only this time with terrible dreams about Clo and Stephen and a barbecue, and Claudine screaming at me how much she hated me. Today at work I kept breaking down, questioning my decisions, probably triggered by Clo texting me in the morning wanting a check-in before I leave tomorrow to get the kids. I texted that I want as little overlap with her at the house as possible. We settled on Wednesday as a good evening to be together with the kids, as she cancelled her MUTEK overnight. I proposed we tell the kids then, but then retracted, upon Judith’s sage advice, as our new living arrangements will not seem that different from what they were before. Anyway, all that to say I stayed at work very late, already feel behind because plastering used drywall SUCKS ASS and as well I had to talk to Mo, and text with Judith, and message with Clark, and talk to Stacy on the phone, I needed to hear good things. I came home and ate and washed laundry and had a bath and a melatonin and now I hope to sleep straight through until morning. Tomorrow night I will be reunited with Rose and Sol, unless some tragedy befalls me. If I go for any reason it will be from a broken heart. I so don’t want to lose her but I have to walk away to save myself. Fuck love hurts.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 25, 2019, 11:16 PM
subject wink wink wink
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived the drive to Rivière-du-loup yesterday to meet my folks and the kids, and the drive back to Montreal today. I’m firm in my decisions to keep the distance, to make the break more definitive. Some of this resolve comes from a place of anger, but I know it must be done. I snapped at my mom this morning while we were sitting poolside – it was the only chance we had to talk about the separation, while the kids were swimming – because she said that it was about to get ugly. I went into defensive mode, again protecting Claudine and us as if we are somehow special and unique in separating, that we will do it in our own way. And I realize that thinking is her selfish way of thinking, it is again her getting her way. Well I can see through it now. I want out, and now that I am not depressed I am seeing all the positive aspects of being on my own. I’m sick of feeling hearbreak over this. When she finally comes back to earth – Mutek is just winding down, she plans to come home tomorrow to be with the kids – maybe then she’ll begin to realize just how far away I’ve gone. Can I stay strong in my resolve? We shall see.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 27, 2019, 8:08 AM
subject fin fin fin
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I’m good. I had a really good talk with A-M last night, and learned something unexpected about Claudine and Stephen. I had thought they were celebrating their one-year anniversary last Saturday at Mutek, but they had actually gotten together about 6 weeks earlier, at a night at au pied du courant. I didn’t write about it to you at the time, but this had happened:
———- Forwarded message ———
From: Chris Lloyd <dearpm@gmail.com>
Date: Sun, Jul 8, 2018 at 11:09 PM
Subject: I am still going out tonight to get some stuff to do tomorrow morning and then I’ll be home
To: <pm@pm.gc.ca>
Dear Justin,
Rose woke me up at 3am with a restricted airway and bad cough, so I called 811 and then we got into the car and went to the emergency at the Glen. The diagnostic is croup. We were back home by 6.
I’m still wrapped up in all sorts of online posts and quasi-debates about Slāv. It is disheartening to read how much support Lepage and Bonifassi are getting. The majority of the francophone press are totally shitting on the protestors and the « muzzling » of this work. Sad.
You know what else is sad? Kids separated from their parents at the US border.
I also read on the facebook today that Duchamp most likely did not submit the R. Mutt urinal to that Armory show in 1917. Know her name: Elsa von Freytag-Loringhoven.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Aug 30, 2019, 12:36 PM
subject win win win
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I think I am back to thriving. I didn’t write you since my meeting with Claudine a couple mornings ago, but this is what I wrote Judith, my life coach:
Hi Coach!
Just wanted to jot down some notes from our meeting today before I forget because I have the memory of a gnat.
I arrived at the house at 7, everyone was already up, we did breakfast, played chess with sol, it was all very pleasant, the kids super-excited for school, we walked there together, clo took rose I took sol to their respective classes.
Clo and I met back at the hosue and dove right into calendar; it is very confusing the next few weeks, no structure, and we will probably be texting each other daily to confirm who is where when.
There was a moment of tension in discussing Saint John; Claudine asked if I realized she will be handling so much more of the household while I am away. I simply said yes, and left it at that. Except I told her I would gladly pay half of babysitting for work-related only, not for her to go have drinks.
Another moment of tension came when I confirmed my plans to move out in January and that I would cease paying into the mortgage because by then we will have come to an agreement about either a buyout or selling. She said it was something we are doing together – I reiterated that if she is buying me out it is her decision and she will make the offer to me, and I explained in broad strokes how it would work: we get an evaluation of the house, minus off the outstanding mortgage, and she gives me half of what is left. And that she would need a new mortgage to do all that. I could see the wheels spinning in her head!
But she countered with the fact that if I move out in January and do not plan to host the kids, then I would still be responsible for some child-care costs, which I didn’t quite know how to answer, except later I recovered and said I didn’t know yet if I would get a place that could accommodate the kids or not, and that we could look into a 1 or 2 week alternating custody schedule.
The only mention of divorce came when she commented that I had left tabs open and notes on my desk with the housing buyout and how to get divorced pages. I am thinking of looking for a lawyer right away.
I agreed to one more session with Michel our couples therapist to help us with the transition.
I was running late for work so started to get ready and she asked if we could have 5 more minutes for a more emotional check-in, to which I said, as in response to her email, that she could write me instead. Then we talked a bit about the kids, how to respect and honour and prioritize them as this will be a big year and a big transition for them.
As I left to go she asked for a hug, we hugged but she was very teary eyed and I felt the hug could have gone on longer, but I pulled away, wished her a good day, got on my bike and left.
Now I’m at work and I really need to get things done. Thanks so much for your help and guidance through all this. I would literally be incapable of doing it without you. I would be a wreck. Now I am strong like bull!
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
DEAR PM 