rom chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 7, 2019, 12:10 AM
subject Listen listen listen
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived camping, but only barely. And we came home after one night. But I’m still on a high-stable place, and family vacation is going well – even though we were all ravaged by mosquitoes and blackflies, the kids have been swimming up a storm and Clo and I are spending good family time together and talking.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 8, 2019, 10:25 PM
subject lies lies lies
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived another breakup wit Kitty. I think this might be the final one. Turns out it wasn’t so much the time I spend with Clo or the kids that was in the way, but time I kept making for AAA. I hated making this choice, but the intensity with Kitty carries over into so much drama it is exhausting. In other news I’m behind on the crates overhaul project for Skawennati, behind on Momenta prep, behind on almost everything, except I am not low, and despite the sadness and heartbreak at the breakup, I don’t feel a low coming on. I took a sleeping pill so maybe that will help.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 10, 2019, 12:09 AM
subject Lights lights lights
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a day at Vox, getting the kids early as Rose had a playdate at LaRonde and Sol had a playdate come over, when Clo came home for supper I left to install some shelving at Francois’ then met Jessica at her studio to assess the wall she wants built, then I zipped downtown to meet a Tinder date, who was a tad on the depressed and depressing side. Cut my hair and shaved when I got home. Still don’t really feel a low coming, but fear it.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 11, 2019, 12:13 AM
subject Camera camera camera
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived watching Midsommer, an amazing, terrifying, psychologically horrific film. Not the best choice for a date night with Clo, but there it is. I’m still processing the breakup with Kitty and trying to kickstart seeing Manon again, and perhaps Chris and Jason, and who knows what Tinder might provide. Am I in denial or seeking distraction? Yes. Am I looking for sex? Most definitely. Seeing AAA tomorrow night for an opening at Never Apart, and I hope to spend the night. Now to curl up with Clo and watch something funny on Netflix to cover up the unforgettable images from that movie.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 13, 2019, 8:33 AM
subject Action action action
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am surviving another dip, a drop, a descent. I can feel a low coming on. Good thing I’ll be busy this weekend, building a wall for Jessica in her new studio and working at 4th space tomorrow. I need the money and the distraction.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 13, 2019, 10:13 PM
subject Acting acting acting
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived the day at Jessica’s studio, didn’t get as far along on the wall as I would have liked because I forgot the hammer drill at Vox – so the frame is not actually screwed down on anything.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 15, 2019, 2:59 AM
subject Facts facts facts
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a day working at 4th Space making irregular shapes from the cubes, then went to Jessica’s to work on the wall but ran out of screws and then met a new OK Cupid date for a drink then back to her place to fool around. It is getting close to a full moon I think it is playing a role in my mood swings. I’m feeling low and again, not sure if I can handle this arrangement. I think distance is the only thing that will stop me thinking so much about Clo. A lot of time and distance to put between is. In the meantime I need to keep busy and distract myself.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 16, 2019, 12:41 AM
subject Fast fast fast
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am surviving this low, it is more manageable but still intense. All the questions keep haunting me, when I am low. So I try to stay über busy. Today I worked at Vox, 4th Space and Jessica’s.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 17, 2019, 1:01 AM
subject Feast feast feast
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am surviving this downward spiral (it is the full moon) and am taking Clo’s advice and NOT sending her the long and convoluted and whiny email I wrote her in prep for our RADAR tomorrow morning, which I will probably skip or rush through as I am in an avoidance phase and also need to stop at Jessica’s studio to apply caulking to all the edges of the wall I am building for her. I need to keep myself exhausted, fully occupied, to keep the demons at bay, the ones that say I’m a ridiculous chump for hanging around, for being a cuckold, for not sticking up for myself, growing my backbone and heading out on my own. Those demons.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 17, 2019, 3:08 PM
subject fear fear fear
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am surviving the candle at both ends, and the midnight oil. I survived a good, deep, panful texting exchange with Clo, about her lack of desire for me – we’re waiting until September to see if she is willing to try to re-kindle that flame, but right now she is wholly occupied with S and can’t bring herself to explore anything sexual with me. And each time I think about it, it feels like tiny daggers, or a dull ache in my heart. This is the yo-yo I live with, multiple times per day. Maybe it will get better with some absence. She cherishes our complicity and our family together time, but strictly platonic, and I don’t know if I can handle it. I’m full of desire. She did give me a good tip about Red Bull, as I am thinking I might need Viagra. Also, Kitty and I are communicating again and it seems we might begin to see each other again. I think she likes sex as much as I do, and we do have a particularly good dynamic together. I go a little batty when not having any sex. Hoping for some tonight with AAA after the 4th Space opening and watching a scary movie at her place.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 19, 2019, 1:06 AM
subject Hear hear hear
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. Survived a late night out with AAA last night, forgot my phone at Grumpy’s, and managed to have some sex for a while before I lost my hard-on and couldn’t finish. I haven’t finished with her at all so far. Anyway I’m so sleepy I just spent 4.5 hours at Jessica’s. Exhausted.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 21, 2019, 11:14 PM
subject Your your your
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a crazy weekend. But a poor little toddler didn’t. Kitty was called in for a drowning girl and though she survived, her little brother didn’t. It’s against the laws of the universe. Kitty and I are talking and on good terms. AAA and I had a wild Friday night, cooked steaks on the bbq chez nous, then dropped before eating and then Clo and S came home and we went to Art Battle and then danced at Rockette Bar and eventually took a cab to her place in Verdun and I spanked her with my belt and we stayed up talking and smoking until dawn and slept until 11 and she gave me a snow job and I finished and then met Mo at a trendy brunch place and we talked and got back on track and then it was a hearwave a canicule and Clo and the kids were shopping for the AC and then in the evening I heard about Kitty’s experience with the drowned kids and today we took the kids to the pool and then cleaned the house and organized because Greg and Kaiya arrived at suppertime and we made more Beyond Meat burgers and then walked to Parc Jarry and now it is late the kids asleep I am with Clo in her bed this week except for tomorrow night I am getting Kitty at the airport and staying the night because I want her so bad. I’m on a high, tomorrow morning we meet my psychiatrist Clo and I. I wonder what he will prescribe? I want Viagra, at least.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 23, 2019, 10:43 PM
subject Hare hare hare
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am exhausted from last night, getting Kitty from the airport after midnight and us up like banshees until 3am? And work at Vox today, getting the last of JP Kelly works crated with James and we had coffee before lunch at the SAT to catch up.
I forgot to tell you about meeting my psychiatrist yesterday morning with Clo. He confirmed a diagnosis of cyclothymia and prescribed the mood stabilizer Lamotrigone. He also gave me a prescription for either Viagra or Cialis, I chose the generic Viagra at $5.50/pill. I definitely do not need it with Kitty; maybe with AAA it is just too much booze?
It will probably take weeks before the Lamotrigine kicks in. I’ve started at 25mg and will work up to 100mg ove the next month. I feel happy and blessed with life at the moment but who know if it will last?
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 24, 2019, 10:52 PM
subject Here here here
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I forgot to tell you about the phone call I got from Ratmond Chabot yesterday. It seems that TD is being a total prick and didn’t accept my consumer proposal. I had offered $255 for 45 months; their counter-offer is $355 for 60 months. I told my agent I could do $300 for 60. If they don’t accept it I’ll tell them to fuck right off.
Clo and Greg and Rose and Kaiya went to Laronde after work and camp today. I met them in the metro and then Sol and I went to the pool. We were back home much earlier than they were, Sol asleep by 9:15.
I have 2 more days to get Klaus’s exhibition
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 27, 2019, 12:59 PM
subject there there there
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I busted my ass the past two days dismantling Klaus’ exhibition amidst breakup #6 with Kitty. We realized that though I love her, I am not IN LOVE with her, and that distinction has been at the root of all her triggers and previous breakups. It was a sad and late Thursday night breakup but the breakup sex the next morning was amazing. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of her, but we need to work on developing a friendship outside of sex.
Last night I gathered a possé to meet Tanya, Claire and Ted at au Pied du courant, Patti Schmidt was playing, her set was AMAZING! The mdma certainly helped. AAA came back home with me and Mo, we stayed up late just talking until dawn.
Today I was supposed to drive the kids to Gatineau for a Hubert family gathering after Clo’s aunt’s funeral, but it turns out there wasn’t a gathering, and Rose-Marie sprained her ankle quite badly and didn’t feel up for our visit. She is also quite devastated with Monique’s passing, they had been dear close friends for over 50 years. So now just trying to figure out what to do with the kids on such a hot day: pool, or cinema? Which would you rather?
OH! I met Marie-Josée Parent for lunch the other day, she is an elected municipal counsellor for Verdun who is doing great things for her community, and she is also involved with this group called la planète s’invite au parlement, and ew talked about their different strategies and objectives heading into the election. I’m still not sure if I will run myself or not, but I like the idea of working with all the other parties to pool their resources and combine forces to maybe only run one candidate against you, to try to unseat you. Mathematically it could work, thanks to First Past the Post!
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 28, 2019, 11:27 PM
subject Where where where
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived the drive to St-Jean-Port-Joli. I could barely get motivated to leave this morning. I invited Kitty over last night to say bye to the kids and it turned into a nasty conversation that continued on the phone until after 1am. And then I accidentally opened Clo’s photo stream and saw photos of her and S and I felt a terrible, aching sense of loss and finality. She’s so happy and in love with him, it’s obvious that there is no turning back for her. There can be no middle ground. I’ll still try to wait for her to confirm that for me in September, but I really need to prepare for the inevitable. It reminds me of Kitty and I, and how unrequited love is the kind that hurts the most.
The kids and I met up with Sarah and Pascal at the new Est-Nord-Est, and we swam in the St. Lawrence and Rose swam in mud – literally. The kids had no idea I was sobbing for half the drive, absorbed as they were in video games on the phones.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 29, 2019, 9:59 PM
subject Wear wear wear
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived the drive to NB and we are safe n sound at Judith and Robert’s 1802 cottage which is an amazing blend of old and new and could also be a great location for a horror film.
I’m actually getting good advice from Judith, I think she’s right that I need to stop distracting myself (dating, sex, etc.) and fix myself, heal, make a plan and stick to it.
I need a few exit strategies.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 30, 2019, 10:29 PM
subject We’re we’re we’re
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a visit to Gondola Point beach with the kids, where I thought about growing up and camp counseling there, then an afternoon of day-drinking back with Judith and Robert, and being convinced that I need to sever ties, split up the house, get my own place, make a plan, and move on and heal with my life, no matter how much it hurts. Clo is deeply in love with someone else, the horse has left the stable, I can’t keep waiting for a miracle. Miracles are for suckers. I need to make my own future.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jul 31, 2019, 10:08 PM
subject Weird weird weird
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived the morning where Judith offered me a job with Tuck, a parental leave replacement for her shipping/receiving position, for the end of September for 3-6 months. She has so many airline points she says she could fly me back to Montreal almost every week to see the kids. I have to say I am quite tempted. I don’t know if my Vox job would be waiting for me when (if?) I return. I’m not sure how Clo will react. It’s clear I am not a priority for her. I don’t want anyone else. Maybe, just maybe if I play the long long game, remove myself from our shared life, stop pining after her, she’ll find room for me. Maybe the excitement with S will wear off enough. I have to stop torturing myself. I should stop looking at those photos. I should stop waiting for something to happen, I need to start making things happen for myself. Like Kitty and now Judith have pointed out, I am 46, I have no plan, no savings, no benefits, no stability, no plan. I need to grow the fuck up.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
DEAR PM 