from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 2, 2019, 12:32 AM
subject flies flies flies
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am surviving more emotional heartache. Kitty has turned mean on me. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. Every time I tried to sleep I cried myself awake. I watched an episode of the OA. I watched some porn. I read articles. I surfed Facebook and scrolled through Kitty’s photos back to 2007. I couldn’t understand why she let Samuel stay overnight with her; he broke up with her last week. She goes through these cycles with her partners, attributes blame to them and moves on so quickly. I fear for her, but she wants nothing more to do with me. She has blocked me on Fbook. All this after we exchanged our things, I brought the kids with me as we were looking for onesies pyjamas on Mon Royal and taking in the street fair, meeting up with Clo and then taking in a bad white-angsty techno performance at Place des Festivals for FTA, I left the car in Kitty’s spot, she was fine about it last night then flew off the handle this morning when I told her the fact that Samuel spent the night hurt my feelings – what does that matter anyway, since she already dumped me? – and she threatened to tow it, then called me entitled and righteous, and the stream of vitriolic texts continued for the the afternoon, and has since been dormant. Meanwhile I am exhausted on all fronts. How did this get so complicated. Went to Vivames fundraiser tonight but skipped the performances to hang out with Ted and Claire. Yes, that Claire. It was Ted’s birthday. 42. The answer to life, the universe, and everything.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
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from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 3, 2019, 1:23 AM
subject gnats gnats gnats
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a nasty email from Kitty who gave me a psychiatric assessment of being antsocial, spent a lot of time consulting with Clo, and eventually being weak and going back to Kitty’s tonight for some bdsm punishment and sex, all after taking 2 sleeping pills, I am exhausted beyond belief. Am I a gullible sex-addict? Is this love?
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
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from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 3, 2019, 8:44 PM
subject roaches roaches roaches
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a full day of install for Period Rooms for Vox at Chateau Dufresne. Had a few minor text exchanges with Kitty this morning; she seems sorry for having been so mean, and I hope she gets help. We are taking things more casually for the moment, so I am waiting to hear from her before engaging. All my close friends who I showed some of her correspondence to all say I should cut off contact immediately. I can’t do that. I have problems leaving. Maybe I am addicted to toxicity, to the thrill of emotional yo-yoing. Clo is so mad and scared she had nightmares last night. I still feel more confused and contradictory inside as to whether I can handle this. I’m reading Mating in Captivity and want her to read it to, for in my way of magical thinking she will see that desire doesn’t just die, you have to kill it. I’m trying to kill it within me and it just won’t die. I’m working on my CV and cover letter for the Head-Technical Department at the former DHC, now Fondation Phi. Wouldn’t that be crazy if I got that job? I think I need that stability. It might help me climb out from under this mountain of debt.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 3, 2019, 8:50 PM
subject bees bees bees
Dear Justin,
And another thing. It was our 12-year wedding anniversary yesterday, but Claudine did not want to share the Facebook post. I know we are transitioning, I know we are in a different phase, I know she sees our marriage as over, but aside from the lack of sex we are still together, raising our kids together, living under the same roof, planning a future together, aren’t we? I feel like she doesn’t want to acknowledge or celebrate that we are still together. And that makes me scared that she is just waiting for me to finally crack up and leave.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 5, 2019, 12:18 AM
subject wasps wasps wasps
Dear Justin,
I am still alive.I survived a bit of a shit-show at Chateau Dufresne today (nothing worked out and I completed zero tasks), then bumbled for an hour or so at Vox (glued some MDF together for the 9 presentoirs I have to build between now and next Tuesday), then came home, all the inner-city travel taking so long because I was driving and, Montreal. While in the car I got a call from TD and when I said I couldn’t make a payment plan for the outstanding Visa they froze all my accounts. So now I have zero money. Makes me wish I had bought those groceries with my card. My anxiety levels shot to new heights with that realization. Already tender about my emotional stability. Made supper for Stephen and the kids and then spent almost 3 hours on the phone with Kitty. We still love one another, we are not broken up but we are together in a very limited way. We are in a process to determine what shape our relationship will take, if it takes shape at all. I’m still just as worn out as ever. Blah-blah-blah poor self-absorbed privileged white boy problems.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
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from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 6, 2019, 10:35 PM
subject worms worms worms
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived my psychiatric assessment. Apparently I fit more the disorder known as Cyclothymia. Also am having thoughts that my fantasy of Clo ever wanting to rebuild intimacy with me is probably just that: a fantasy.
I think I need to be alone and work on myself.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 9, 2019, 12:05 AM
subject moths moths moths
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived the spectacle de la fin de l’année, and a 6-year old’s birthday party afterwards, which kept Sol awake past 11. I met Kitty at the Ritz for a Joy Division vs. New Order dance party, then spent the night at her place. This morning I was up early to meet Mo in Verdun so we could meet a potential painting client in Brossard, where I will be painting next week. I so need the extra money. Hung out with the kids for the afternoon, they ate at their friend Myriam’s, in bed by 9 and then I left to get Kitty and drive her to the airport but she confused her departing time with the arrival time so missed her flight – again – so I drove her home. We’re back together, in some form or another. We’ve each got work to do on ourselves and on establishing better boundaries, but we love each other quite deeply.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 13, 2019, 9:40 PM
subject cloth cloth cloth
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived the past few nights at Kitty’s, the Vox Period Room openings last night with Aiana and tonight with my kids, running around all over the city with my car the past few days, final tech install stuff, and found a free parking spot on Ste-catherine right in front of the 2-22. Kitty and I have grown close again, and I slept at her place the past few nights, but she is just now boarding her plane to Dublin, from Halifax. I dropped her off at the airport early this morning, and then Clo and I had breakfast and did a mini RADAR. I’m feeling good (is it all the good sex?) but right now, a little tired. I might fall asleep before the kids. My finances are stressing me again, too. I made a gaff and gave Guillaume (new house painting client in Brossard) my email for a deposit to buy paint but forgot I still have auto deposits connected to my frozen TD account, so that was $465 into the void. I have my Tangerine card now but can’t figure out if I already set my PIN or not. Their telephone and online services are not exactly up to speed. I received my federal tax return, so I can pay Kim for preparing the returns, but need to get the funds into my Tangerine account first. The Quebec return will be gobbled up by Revenue Quebec, part of my amount owing. It feels like I am working my ass off and just not getting anywhere. But that is the only negative vibe in my life at the moment.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 15, 2019, 10:25 PM
subject clothes clothes clothes
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived more openings for Vox and the Period Rooms, this time on Friday at l’Oratoire St. Joseph. Steve Bates and Sophie Trudeau gave a musical performance in the basilica, it was so strong and powerful. The kids really liked exploring everywhere, seeing the weird heart of Frère André and some of the nativity sculptures. I went through a low point early in the day but am back into a mini hypo-manic state again today. Maybe because Clo stayed in my bed last night, as we both fell asleep trying to watch a movie called Shoplifters. It’s nice to be close to her, and I’m really working on us just being simple and platonic together, not thinking about desire. We’ll have that conversation again someday but not any time soon. I’m more consumed with financial thoughts. My PIN didn’t arrived on Friday from Tangerine so I have an account and a card but no way to use it. I have my federal refund but not sure the best way to cash it. I was going to apply it direct to my revenue quebec balance but now it will be just money to cover bills and living. I booked an appointment to see a trustee next week to decide whether to make a consumer proposal to TD and revenue quebec. Either that or just try to walk away completely. Today Mo more or less finished his part of the bathroom tiling and plumbing, the rest is up to me now. We were going to take the kids to LaRonde but it has been raining off and on. I’m waiting for Clo to come home so we can finish that movie. Tomorrow I start the painting gig in Brossard. And Cheryl emailed me tonight to ask for a phone conversation Monday before they schedule interviews for the Head-Tech Dept position. I still don’t know how I feel about potentially working there again…guess a lot depends on the salary and conditions…assuming they want me back…
-chris
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 16, 2019, 9:22 PM
subject close close close
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a few hours paintings ceilings at a house in Brossard, then an afternoon picnic with Gilles and Rose-Marie and Jo, then watching Drag Race episode 1 from season 11 for Family Night. Feeling tired, which Clo interprets as down and about to explode with rage. I feel in control of rage but true, feeling a bit down maybe. Also maybe it is just fatigue. Maybe also I just don’t know anymore what I really want to do anymore. Clo and S just came home, he was away for the weekend with M, and I just want to go to bed, sleep, wake and work, just work the whole week away. I don’t want to deal with emotions, mine or anyone else.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 17, 2019, 9:50 PM
subject closer closer closer
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a long day out in Brossard, painting. Spoke to Cheryl on the phone and we set up an interview for the Head position for Wednesday. On the drive back home I waited on hold with Tangerine to get my PIN, which was easy, and then stopped to deposit my Tax refund which will now be held for 5 business days (8 real days) because I haven’t yet built a relationship with them. Nice way to start a relationship. I was expecting to have access to at least $100, now I have to wait until payday from Vox on Thursday for any cash. My financial situation is causing me the most stress at the moment, but I’m also finding it hard to be in the house when Clo and S are both here. It makes me feel excluded. I took 2 sleeping pills last night but still awoke a few times with anxiety in my chest. I can’t remember if I had dreams about dying and paying my debts with our life insurance policy, or if it is just a constant background noise in my head.
Oh, I had the first shower upstairs in the new shower stall, it works well. Now I just need to finish the walls, the lighting, the cabinets…
It may never get done.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 18, 2019, 8:57 PM
subject closet closet closet
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a day at Vox, also a more down day, post full-moon, minor depressive cycle? When I get like this I don’t think I can continue on in the way that Clo and I are, and I can’t tell which feeling is feeding which emotion. We postponed our RADAR for Friday, which is the last day of school, there is the annual picnic in Jarry Park and then Clo and S will be leaving to his parent’s cottage for the long weekend, it has been planned for over a month but right now I feel it is just one more sign, something else that makes me feel under-valued and under-appreciated. On the plus side, I found $60 in my backpack while rummaging for receipts, so I bought a few groceries and now have a little spending money for the opening at the Mac tomorrow night. Aiana is coming to finally meet Clo, after what was supposed to be a date between just Clo and I turned into the typical circus because Clo invited S along because she didn’t want to ask him to babysit and was worried he would have nothing to do. I think this is something else that bothers me.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 20, 2019, 11:00 PM
subject closed closed closed
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived a mood nosedive, the opening at the MAC, hanging with Aiana afterwards at Foufounes for the cheap beer, and of course my interview for the Head: Technical Department job at Phi Foundation. Cheryl, Jon and Jade were the interviewing committee, it felt very comfortable and natural, I think I gave a good interview but there are other candidates so one never knows. I had a long chat with Kitty tonight, I am trying to gain the confidence to address what I think needs to happen with Clo, that we need more distance, that I need to focus on Kitty for who she is and not always be reacting to the relationship issues between Clo and I. Oh, and I survived a very fruitful meeting at Raymond Chabot to make a consumer proposal to pay off my debts. I need to decide over the weekend. The coming long weekend.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 21, 2019, 10:58 PM
subject loser loser loser
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived another emotional RADAR with Clo this morning, where somehow I end up feeling like an asshole for trying to express how difficult I find our transition and her lack of desire for me, and she ends up in tears yet also somehow calms my paranoia and for a moment I snap out of the depressive cloud and realize that I need to love myself and then I’ll be a happier, more attractive person for her, and then it all feels better. It was the last day of school, also Happy Indigenous People’s Day. I fixed a minor tech problem at Vox on my way to Brossard to paint until 4 and then drove back to Vox to get my paycheck which I gave to Clo to cash because Tangerine would hold it for 5 business days, and then went to the school picnic at Parc Jarry, and mostly played Uno with Sol. Clo and S are away this weekend at his parent’s cottage, which gives me compersion but also a little bit of envy. Kitty arrived home tomorrow and I’m hoping she will stay overnight with us, as Sunday is her birthday bash at Burgundy Lion.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 23, 2019, 6:37 PM
subject Lost lost lost
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I survived Kitty’s arrival last night and it was actually amazing, spectacular and so full of love. Today she had to go home to prepare for houseguests and her birthday bash tonight while I took the kids to the pool at Jarry Park for swimming and a picnic. Romy is babysitting tonight, I’m on my way via metro to Burgundy Lion. AAA will be there too, I hope Mo as well. I’m on an upswing, my mood feels positive and mildy hypo-manic. Damn I love summer.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jun 25, 2019, 1:47 AM
subject Lists lists lists
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. Happy St-Jean. I saw you working the crowd at the Castelneau street party. I’ve had a couple really good nights with Kitty, we’re really in a good place right now. The sex is incredible. Today her friends Jen and Luke from NY came over for a bbq. Michael and his kids were here for the street party too. Lots of neighbourhood kids around. Clo and S didn’t get home until 7:30 as traffic was so bad around Ottawa and of course anywhere in Montreal, so I didn’t get started painting in Brossard until 8:30. Just home now exhausted working Vox tomorrow.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
DEAR PM 