MARCH 2019

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 3, 2019, 11:49 PM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived nuit blanche. I had to work at Vox for a few hours, so I drove there after dropping Kitty off at the airport. We didn’t go to Club L on Friday, in the end met Chris and Jason at the Dominion after meeting Kitty’s friends at the Burgundy Lion. It felt like more neutral ground than the club. And as for nuit blanche, I brought Avigail to the studio party, but she wasn’t on E so left at 1:30. Mo worked the door and I danced all night and we took a cab home just before 6am. I picked Sol up from upstairs for 9, and pretty much spent the day inside, playing with Sol and washing and folding laundry and cooking and talking lots to Judith on the phone about her strategies for winning Claudine back. I don’t think issuing ultimatums and demanding she choose between me and S is a recipe for anything more than accelerating a definitive breakup. Besides, I truly believe I am polyamorous and I think we can have a strong and healthy relationship by being poly. Too tired to make sense falling asleep at the phone.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 4, 2019, 10:09 PM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived the drive to Temiscouata-sur-la-lac, pea soup my mom brought for supper, and now lying in bed with Clo, stopped watching Studio 54 doc and we’re both on our phones and I’m feeling weird about it. Weird because I don’t think she finds anything weird in it. Maybe we’re just weirdos.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 5, 2019, 8:57 PM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived my birthday blues, crying on the drive to Mont Farlagne this morning because I just don’t know if I can handle the pretence of whatever the hell clo and I are doing. Losing my mind because it feels like this whole week is about pleasing everyone else. Why do I keep putting myself in these situations? I guess the skiing is more affordable and less crowded here. WTF am I really doing here? 82 birthday wished posted to my Fbook timeline, a half dozen texts, a few messages and whatsapps. What is it all about, what does it matter? My love doesn’t love me, and I’m distracted myself in order not to grieve or make drastic decisions.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 6, 2019, 10:50 AM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived a night of weird dreams and painful sleep for my back. I dreamt of designing an overly complicated structure to hold all my Dear PM letters for a show at the Darling Foundry. Also I had some job as a jurist? That didn’t pay. Of course. Also the growing sentence in the subject line above has been auto-selected up until today. And my heart still feels like it is going through a slow-motion shredder, despite or because of Clo’s best intentions to make this a fun family trip.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 6, 2019, 9:33 PM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived the day of skiing, jumping, and then meeting Trev and Tam at the Best Western in Edmundston, then Greg and Jessica at a pizzeria back out by the ski hill, but no swimming which put sol into a bad mood. I’m masking my bad mood with back pain medication, but underneath my calm demeanour I’m just seething. Like this « vacation » is driving an even bigger wedge between Clo and I. I don’t think I can handle this facade much longer. Judith’s « tough love » ultimatum js starting to sound like a realistic option.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 8, 2019, 11:37 PM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived tubing this morning. Decided against sling the afternoon, partly for my back and partly financial. I’m broke again, what else is new. Looking forward to the long drive home to talk over the next new mutation of our relationship. I wrote up a long meandering agenda of sorts which is at best a long meandering list of me trying to stay tethered, grabbing that last thread, the Hail Mary throw, the final whistle, countdown, shot.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 10, 2019, 11:30 PM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived the drive back to Montreal, a really good talk with Clo about our intimacy impasse, my grasping at straws, and then me almost completely breaking down when she said that maybe I just have to let her go, but then I went out with Manon to Club L and we just played together. At home today Clo and I spoke a few more times, clarifying a bit more the terms of our separation and new relationship moving forward. Cleaned up my tool room. Spoke to Kitty via Whatsapp. Watched some RuPaul. Baked cookies. Clo and I have set a date for this Friday to explore new intimacy boundaries, and we might go to Club L as well – which could be fun and strange. I’m feeling like a yo-yo, and it’s giving me motion sickness.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 11, 2019, 11:10 PM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived another Monday, a meeting at the bank where I refused the 26K loan and the bank literally laughed at me when I asked for a 5K loan. Then I called and cashed in my last $200 RRSP ($160 after taxes) so I can pay my tattoo and buy groceries this week. Worked on sorting my receipts for taxes. Realized we forgot to pay our property taxes on time this year. Made supper but I’m still hungry. Had a date tonight, just a quickie. I’m back home now, I spoke with Kitty a bit, now I’m falling asleep.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 12, 2019, 5:23 PM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget that

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived the day at Vox. Also made a new acquaintance on Tinder, she’s a massage therapist – finally! How will I find the time? On metro now, heading home to get the kids and make supper. Last night they were in bed by 7:30. Will aim for that again tonight, unless we watch RuPaul.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 15, 2019, 1:31 AM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget that this

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived anther date, tonight with MC and last night Avigail and I am very, very relaxed. Also had a first coffee date with a new Tinder match, she’s a massage therapist from Kahnawake, and very attractive. Worked at 4th Space after the date, and got a new tattoo from Karen Nine Fingers in the morning, a beautiful drawing of curling waves set in a triangle, on my right wrist. Just got off the phone with Kitty, am too tired for more details. Tomorrow is date night with Claudine and I am both excited and nervous.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 16, 2019, 7:31 PM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget that the depression

Dear justin,

I am still alive. I survived date night with Claudine. It went really well, we are definitely communicating so much better, and even having fun together. We didn’t go to club El, how ever. I wasn’t sure if we could get the cover charge waived, and $30 just to get into a place to have some drinks seemed a bit much. Claudine is curious to see where I’ve been spending much of my dating time, but not that curious. Instead, we went to D darling and had a couple drinks and talked about our future. She and S have decided they are going to move in together, because since he told his ex, she is anxious for him to move out. Did I tell you that S told his ex, about Claudine? He did, last week. She didn’t freak out as much as I thought she would. I guess you could say she is freaking out in the expected way. And me? We didn’t have sex last night, or even get very sexual, but we did sleep in the same bed and cuddled. I think she would be completely satisfied with that, but the question I have to ask myself is, can I be satisfied with that? And subsequent questions are, why am I placing so much emphasis on sex? Is it really because I am sex obsessed, or am I just in denial about letting go. I can see a future where all of us are living this happy, Polly – family life, and I feel so much love and can Persian for Claudine and S when they are together, yet feeling shut out from her sexually really hurts. I don’t think I will know if or what will help. Anyway, I am in the tub right now trying to relax before another night out at club El with Mandel, this time with my new couple Chris and Jason. Should be fun!

Dictated, not corrected

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 17, 2019, 2:58 AM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget that the depression nearly

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived the Club, though my performance was underwhelming. I’m having trouble lately getting or staying hard. Tonight I felt distracted, and it wasn’t the audience or the noise, it was the realization that I would have much rather been there with Clo. I’m trying to bury my desire for her by trying to OD on NRE and sexing myself into exhaustion. I think we do need to speak again about our intimacy impasse, because because because because because

Because of importance I do place on us rekindling our sex life, to allow for our alternative, opposite lives to continue to unfold.

Falling asleep.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 17, 2019, 11:24 AM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget that the depression nearly broke

I am still alive. I am surviving the seesaw, this morning back to a place of hurt and grieving. I realize now that the reason I was so out of sorts last night was that as much as I like going to the swingers club, what I really want is to share that experience with Clo. So trying to escape the pain of rejection through serial dating and lots of sex I in fact let in a Trojan Horse of pain and grief, in the very places I am seeking solace the blatant reminder of rejection breaks in. All the advice says the first thing I need to do is cut contact, and that is the opposite of what I have been trying to cultivate with Clo. I could barely talk about this with Mo this morning, I was up at 7 and crying and blubbering like I did on my wedding day, overcome by emotion. The lack of control is killing me, the rejection is killing me, the fact that I don’t know whether to stay or go, that I can’t accept it is the end of an era, it’s true, and the proximity to her under the new guise of platonic life partner is killing me, it’s all killing me. Mo says it will pass, this too will pass, all the pop psychology lists say it will pass, why do I resist it so? We’ve stopped wearing our wedding bands, for over 3 weeks now, when will it sink in? Why does that damn Harry Nilsson song have so much resonance with me – not the Gotta Get Up used in Russian Doll but the classic Without You? Why did I skip out on the climate march on Friday afternoon? Why am I still chasing the dream? Am I addicted to heartbreak?

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 17, 2019, 9:59 PM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget that the depression nearly broke me apart,

Dear Justin,

I am still alive, but the dream is over. After much discussion with Mo and then Judith, throughout the day, in between the business meeting about the artwork and design at Triangle café and dropping and picking up Sol to a playdate and getting groceries and making risotto and fish for SRoberts and Gloria, and watching Clo come home with S and then go swimming with Rose and me crying at the sink into the dishes and then after Rupaul and putting the kids to bed, folding laundry with Clo and finally owning up to the ridiculousness of my plans and conceded to a firmer breakup. I’m heartbroken that we couldn’t fix us in time. I want to fall into oblivion, I can’t stand this pain and feeling of utter failure.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 18, 2019, 12:01 AM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget that the depression nearly broke me apart, no,

Dear Justin,

I spoke to Kitty on the phone and I feel a bit better already. She’s very good to me. But now I need sleep.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 18, 2019, 5:52 PM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget that the depression nearly broke me apart, no, never

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived pushing us to the brink. I can’t go over. I can’t force a breakup over sex. We’re so good in every other way, I must have been letting it cloud my vision, or linking it to a deeper intimacy or equating it to love. But I prefer to be close to her and continue charting a new path. We talked a bit this morning in between bouts of me crying, we’ll continue tonight. She’s angry because until last night she really thought we were on an upswing, and my constant 180°s trigger her to my past depression-era behaviour. Would a depressed person listen to Catchy Song from Lego Movie 2 on repeat? I know the difference between depression and heartache.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 20, 2019, 9:16 AM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget that the depression nearly broke me apart, no, never forget

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived my first dat back at the CCA. It was so pleasant! Planning the construction of walls and a giant neon sun and some valcromat floor tiles. Basically I hung out with Luc all day chatting and periodically stopping to measure and calculate. I’m feeling stable. I visited with SRoberts last night and it helped to speak with her about my situation as well as hers: she wants to have another baby, still by herself. I’m against it, and without even getting into the ecological or hopeless reasons. But who am I to argue against her wishes or desires? She’s doing a bang-up job as a single mom to Gloria, I’m sure she’ll be great with a second. She does want me to research bypolar disorder type 2 to see if I might be. I’m on a good stable high now, and feel tjat Clo and I are back on the same page, and I’m excited for Kitty to come back – I’ve been unloading way too much on her as I waffle through heartbreak.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 22, 2019, 9:31 AM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget that the depression nearly broke me apart, no, never forget. Never

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived the first day of Spring, and a very successful date with Triple-A (my current nickname for her, it’s temporary). And recording the round table last night at VOX and having A-M approach me afterwards which was really nice actually, she seems to be taking things well, finding some closure and a certain freedom and relief? It was a late date, we had too many cocktails, I shared my Über to drop AAA off in Verdun (how much was it? I have no idea. At least Concordia sent me a cheque this week so I do have some money. Even put $150 on the line of credit). I’m at work now at Vox to take down chairs and put things back together. Kitty is going through a rough patch.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 24, 2019, 11:41 AM

subject Maybe I should completely redefine how this project would work within a few days and then maybe another one of those things that would be nice to do would be to forget that the depression nearly broke me apart, no, never forget. Never forget.

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. Alive and kicking! More than surviving, I’m thriving. Still broke, but thriving. Probably on a hypomanic wave but thriving nonetheless. Stayed in on Friday, Clo was out with S. Saturday Mo finished the rest of the demo, we removed the toilet and the tile and flooring under and then re-installed the toilet so we still have a functional bathroom. Next week we’ll start building. Things feel good relationship-wise: claudine and I are in a really good place, and kitty and I are too. BTW kitty delivered her first baby the other night, a secret pregnancy came to term.

Today family day and packing and the pool and then we take clo to the airport.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 25, 2019, 9:10 AM

subject It

Dear Justin,

I am still alive, survived the night, full of CBD and some THC and was in bed and asleep by 9pm after watching Drag Race with the kids.

It really does come down to the chemicals in my brain: I can feel the tug, the subtle whisperings of doubt and pain trying to derail what is close to perfect happiness. Clo texted me a beautiful message, we’re renewing a deep love for one another, growing new roots. I have to remember that, especially when I’m alone.

I’m at the CCA today, continuing the building of a flat neon horizontal sun frame.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 25, 2019, 5:08 PM

subject It is

Dear Justin,

I am still alive, still surviving life and my chemical imbalances. Thinking of adding song titles as the subject headings to these letters. Kitty is flying in unexpected tonight, her orientation sessions were cancelled. I’m excited to see her, I’ll pick her up from the airport. The kids should be ok by themselves, they’ll be asleep by the time I leave. Claudine texted from Mexico City they landed and all is good. I’m feeling the urge to contact S to meet and talk and hang out, I wonder where that feeling comes from. I’m back to zero money and bought groceries on the mortgage line of credit, a no-no but what else can I do? The Triangle Café mural project has been postponed / cancelled. I hope I get a surprise cheque from the NB Art Bank this week, as my pay from Vox will barely cover my bi-weekly expenses.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 26, 2019, 5:07 PM

subject It is the end

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived a late night – Kitty is a night owl – and a productive day at CCA, Luc and I have the circle sun frame almost completed. We’ve got a few other projects to tackle before the deinstall starts in a couple weeks.

I’m in a good mood. I’m in touch with Clo a few times per day and that helps me feel connected. I’m trying to stay in touch with a few other dates as well but want to spend more time with Kitty too. We’re going to a Unicorn fetish ball on Saturday. Tonight I’m meeting Kim to o over our taxes, *shudder*

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 26, 2019, 5:12 PM

subject It is the end of an

Dear Justin,

Does listening to a Movie Magic: Kids’ Classics mean I am in a hypermanic period? Am I happier when I’m having sex? Listening to the Happy Song is not bothering me in the least.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 27, 2019, 5:42 PM

subject It is the end of an era

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I survived another day at the CCA, as well as meeting Kim last night for my taxes, and also to bring her up to speed with where things stand between Clo and I. When I texted her a few weeks ago to ask about our taxes I was still uncertain with what we were doing and thought we would be separating separating, which is not the case now. It’s still hard to define what exactly we are doing, but we instinctively seem to know in our hearts what it is. I stayed home for an extra half hour after dropping Sol off to play with Kitty; more sex, good sex, does seem to keep me on a hypermanic high. She’s preparing supper again tonight.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.

from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca

date Mar 28, 2019, 10:15 AM

subject It is the end of an era, It’s

Dear Justin,

I am still alive. I’m surviving. I’m a survivor. I’m starting to thrive. I might even start making art again. Or at least applying for stuff. The only thing I want to make is that damn goalie sculpture. I really should go through my studio junk, archive the most important things and throw away the other 95%. Kitty and I watched Bohemian rhapsody last night after trimming each others’ hair.

Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.