from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 1, 2019, 9:41 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me, I’m still kicking around. The teardown of Viva is going according to plan and schedule, all that remains now is a challenging day of returning ALL THE THINGS tomorrow. At least there are 2 less refrigerators to return.
Had an epic night last night: AAA contacted me late afternoon wanting to know if I wanted to join her and her sugar daddy at a hotel room later that evening, and I di, and it was a mix of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, Trainspotting and Pornhub all mashed up into one. Minus the overdoses, and I wasn’t on any drugs, but suffice to say there was lube literally everywhere. I was up until 3am asnd haven’t caught up on my lost Viva sleep yet.
Tonight I attended a co-parenting seminar, Claudine was there too but we arrived seperately and sat apart, which was good as her physical presence is still a trigger for me, though texting about the kids and schedling is ok. And I met my psychiatrist Monday morning, it feels like I have made a ton of progress, and we’re keeping the drug dossage at 100mg. He reminded me I have slightly high cholestérol. D’oh! Too many chips?
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 3, 2019, 2:41 AM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me, I’m still kicking around. Had an epic day of returning all the things for Viva, we must have made a dozen stops, and had it all done by 5. Claudine had exceptionally picked the kids up as Rose had her sewing class at 4:30pm. I can hardly look her in the eye anymore. Even more so now, at 2:20 in the morning, because I stumbled into her Facebook account which had the password saved and then I found a conversation with Stephen and have been reading it backwards to the time when their passion for each other was so strong and evident and illicit – when she was still at Oboro, and they were sneaking moments to be together, and their conversations are at times horrible for me to read – she was, and I suppose still is, so passionate, so sexual, everything she wasn’t with me, and it turns me on and also makes me hate her a little bit more for being so duplicitous, so conniving, and so selfish and so uncaring towards me, and the worst part is how exclusive she became with him, how she could have literally had it all – I would have stayed with her if she had just worked her way back towards an intimate relationship with me. But no, she couldn’t do that, so I am withdrawing everything from her. No companionship, no friendship, nothing. I can’t trust her, I asked her recently when it really started with her and Stephen – since I figured it was early July from what AM told me, and she admitted she felt something for him at her 40th birthday party, the one where I snapped a photo of her, gazing lovingly at him, but now I’m going backwards in their messenger conversations and they were full-on passionate lovers in June… so I am obsessively trying to find out if I can find out exactly when it started? I know they had been harboring strong feelings for one another while working together…for years even…or at least that was her story, that they met at Mutek in August of 2018 and that was when they got together, and I believed that fairy-tale story, but now it just means she was lying and deceitful for months leading up to that month. They had even spent 4 days at a cottage together, her special time to be alone and decompress from leaving Oboro – it was actually a lovers escape. Well, I hope she’s miserable now. I hope this separation puts a financial strain on her like she cannot shake. I want half of everything including the most I can get out of the house as possible. All she had to do was try; how undesirable can I be? I want her to pay for this.
And through it all I want my kids to be happy and not sense this new anger and animosity. Good thing I am heading to Saint John tomorrow.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 3, 2019, 9:00 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me. I made it to Saint John, I am staying in the loft. Judith and Robert had me over for supper. The loft is amazing, and robert let me drive his Mazda here. We had a really good conversation about my knowledge of when Claudine and Stephan began, and Judith is very much against me asking for more details, even though I think it will bring me closure if I know exactly when they started their affair. I even think I could move into excepting a friendship with Claudine if only she was truly 100% open and honest with me. For once. I feel like any closeness and complicity that might’ve existed between us must’ve burned out years ago.
Dictated, not corrected
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 4, 2019, 11:31 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me. I made it through my first day at Tuck, working with Rob getting right into it, the unpacking and inspection of furniture and lamp, labelling for clients, preparing shipments going out, moving boxes around. Not much different from working in a museum really. Condition reports, repacking. Was a little bored tonight, tried watching some Netflix. Re-reading some of the email conversations Claudine and I have had the past two months, from when the separation became the choice, the path we are now on. I realize she hasn’t been all that dishonest with me; in an email from about 3 weeks ago she admitted to falling in love with Stephen years ago, but she does still cling to the story of not knowing until her birthday, and not acting on it until the summer. So maybe knowing when they first got together and realized that that had amazing sexual chemistry is just a perversion of mine. Maybe there is no closure. But maybe it can oddly be a way back to her, towards sharing intimate parts of our lives? I do like to share my crazy adventures with her. I miss her as a friend and confidante.
I just tried to go into Callahan’s, the bar downstairs, because the music is so loud I might as well be there. Except there is a $5 cover and I don’t even have that. I stopped in at happinze last night and couldn’t pay my $12 bill. Lucky I could pay $10 and left a 75-cent cash tip, bringing my bank balance down to $1. Anne hasn’t paid me and I don’t expect money, my first installment replacement cheque from Viva, until next week sometime. I hope I get it before my $300 debt repayment goes through on the 12th. I might have to get an advance on my first Tuck pay. I hate living hand-to-mouth. I am so lucky Judith filled the fridge and pantry here so at least I don’t have to worry about food. I’m heading to their cottage tomorrow overnight and then will help my parents bring the docks in at their camp in Otnabog. They might even have power there, as the poles were installed and I think the lines as well. In the end they opted for the power lines over a solar option. They want to build a summer place there in the near future.
I miss Claudine terribly because I know she was everything for me, but just because I can’t have her romantically doesn’t mean I should throw everything else away. The fact that she loves Stephen so intensely, so passionately, so completely, still hurts. I just have to live with it and ride it out until it transforms.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 6, 2019, 8:57 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me. I am still alive. Geez, haven’t brought that one out for awhile.
Went to Judith and Robert’s cottage for the weekend, we discussed at great length my feelings around Clo and her secrecy and willful omission of the beginnings of her affair with Stephen, and I am softening on it all. I really want to be her friend again and doing so will make the rest of the separation procedures much easier. I still want her to be honest with me, I want to know exactly when it started for peace of mind, for closure and as well to know I can trust her, that we can share these things with each other.
Today I went to Otnabog and helped my parents pull the docks up to the high water mark with Judith’s jeep. Went back to their house in Quispam for supper as the electricity was still not turned on at the ‘Bog. The poles are in, the lines are drawn, the connections made, just no juice. Come on NB Power, turn on the taps!
Back to the Loft, watching Big Mouth, eating crackers and getting no bites on Tinder or Match. Waste of time. Re-reading Pema Chödrön, helping me handle the last waves of grief and sadness and anger. I feel ready to move forward. I also feel ready to move some furniture.
-chris
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 8, 2019, 8:19 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me. Still trucking at Tuck, the job is going well, I quite like the change of pace.
AAA might have broken up with me tonight, one of her partners has asked her to be exclusive with her and he is someone that she likes very much and she may settle down with him. Such are the risks of living poly.
I’m not sure if I will ever fall in love again, nor so I think I want to.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 10, 2019, 10:33 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me, I’m doing just fine. Still having sad moments but I am cycling through all those emotions and overall feel stable. Talked with AAA last night she basically has to make her mind up amongst three of her partners over whom she will choose; she’s hanging out at my place this weekend but with the recent advice I’ve been getting, books I’ve been reading and way I’ve been feeling, I think I need to be single for awhile. Maybe a long, long while. Random dating and Tinder is a big distraction and waste of time and energy (although I met AAA there and she and I are really good together – even if it doesn’t turn into a long-term, romantic relationship).
I realize I still just miss that complicity I shared with Claudine, the tenderness, the quiet moments, I miss her skin and the way our bodies just really seemed to fit. I haven’t experienced anything like that before or since her. I need to work through all these feelings of grief and loss and envy and get myself strong again before I’ll be ready to handle loving someone else.
Flying back to Montreal tomorrow, I’m very excited to see the kids.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 12, 2019, 1:39 AM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t worry about me and my obsessive sleuthing through the past. Aside from morning tears and periodic sadness – mostly when hearing triggering songs – I”m good and on the road to recovery. Made it home by 7pm, Clo had made supper, the kids were excited to see me, we watched Smallfoot after Clo went out to a fancy birthday dinner with SRoberts and friends. I was waiting all week to get back on messenger and try to find the beginning of their affair but it is so. damn. slow. This computer sucks. I should just leave it and ask Clo for the truth when we sit down to talk again on November 1. I know it was in full swing by early June 2018 but it might have just started in April or May. I am curious if it had been going on earlier, hence the trolling. Am I just an ugly troll?
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 14, 2019, 8:43 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me and my so-called hacking. Who needs to trace back into years of messenger messages when she leaves personal journals and notebooks lying around? I found a passage which pinpoints the MDM forest sex adventure she had (not with me, obvs), which woke me up at 3am last night stewing. But it feels like the final gasp. After visiting with Sarah and Etienne for a Rose/Femke playdate on Saturday, and hearing her take on the changes she witnessed in Clo over the past few years, it is like I can suddenly see her in a whole new light. I’m not blinded by this absolute and unconditional love I had for her. I see her as more damaged, and self-centred, even childish. She was looking outward when she should have been looking towards us (although she would simply quote Leanne Simpson here, “banish the word should”). For such a long time I have been missing intimacy and sex with her, but now I realize that though we both like sex, we were bad at it together. At least for the past 5 or 6 years. Maybe longer? Maybe we had a couple good years and it all started fading once we got married. I know her passion never died with M over their 10 years as occasional lovers, but maybe the infrequency is what made it so good for them. Which is why I feel a bit sorry for her and Stephen. It has been a whole lot of passion for the past year and a half, but when it wears off, what will they have? She has become a superficial party girl, wrapped up in an electronic music festival and more concerned with appearance than substance. I don’t want that in my life.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 15, 2019, 8:42 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Holy Shit. So much. Happening. First: I found the book When Things Fall Apart during my lunch at the bookstore in the mall, they had one copy, I’ve started reading it and am stoked to get at it tonight. I’ve been after it for over a month and I think it will help me find closure and move on. Also I’ve just started reading Unleashing the Buddha Within, I think it will help too. I already feel so different, more alive, more alert, more present.
Also: Claudine got the results of our property assessment today and our apartment is now valued at $540K!!! Holy shit can you believe it? She cannot afford to buy me out at that price, my first instinct was to agree to a much lower price and have a percentage of a future sale guaranteed to me but as some friends and family wisely put to me, I don’t want to be tied down in any way financially or emotionally. Claudine could decide to live in that apartment for the rest of her life. Stephen would probably move in.
I want to get the hell out of dodge, get my life on track, my own place and be financially secure, and the best father I can be to my kids.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 16, 2019, 9:31 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t worry about me, or the election, or climate change, or climate change deniers. I’m still here.
Moving on.
Finally went to happinez tonight after supper at Judith and Roberts and spoke with Peter about breakups and life in general. He is a good and decent man.
Thinking need to make a more concrete list for Clo about the buyout / house for sale situation. I fear she may just continually ride things out as long as she can. Need to set deadlines. I’m over accommodating for her.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 17, 2019, 9:21 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me, I’m still here.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 19, 2019, 7:32 AM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about a thing. I’m home safe n sound, Montreal, amazingly sat beside someone I know on the plane, Jen, the designer at Edit magazine and partner of Jess’s brother, we talked the whole way, got on the subject of hoarding and I realize that I really, really need to start throwing away or burning my junk. Rid myself of attachments. I’m not going to be moving into a 4 1/2 on my own and have room for all that crap anyway. Free myself of attachments. I should stop snooping Claudine’s messages but last night I was able to get into late May; she and Stephen were still going strong. Reading them doesn’t affect me the same way anymore; I know and understand, empathise with their amazing attraction to one another, but I also feel sorry for them. They claimed to be teenagers in love, and they behaved exactly like teenagers in love: carelessly, and with little thought to how their actions could hurt their people. But I am letting go of the hurt, I really am. Breathing it in, and breathing it out as compassion.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 20, 2019, 1:20 AM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t worry about me, or the election, or anything really. It is all impermanent.
AAA and Rick came over tonight, basically to discuss the fact that they are now exclusive. I’m well on my way to being alone, no partners, no Tinder, no OK Cupid, no distractions, just focussing on myself and my breath and being present.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 21, 2019, 9:21 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
It is election night! I’m back in Saint John. Had a great weekend with the kids. Had a really good hangout with RRR this morning, rich and open discussion about our relationships. She’s actually hanging out with Clo tonight. Clo sent me a really poignant email today that I am still processing. I really think if we can be honest and true with each other during our planned tête à tête on November 1 then I feel I will be able to forgive her and lay the foundation for a new relationship with her. I am trying so hard to let go, to rid myself of attachments and ego and my storyline, but it is hard. I really don’t think I’ll ever love anyone so deeply.
So I managed to stop smoking last week, only had 1 on the weekend with AAA and Rick, but bought another pack tonight. A moment of weakness.
I’m at Britt’s, sitting with my back to the paintings I made for them almost a decade ago. Should I try making pictures again? Or switch to writing and poetry? I’ve been working on a poem for Claudine, based loosely on one by Leanne Simpson, This accident of being lost. Mine is titled The inexplicable parting of ways.
Wait no not inexplicable, the inevitable.
We sewed the seeds of our separation for years leading up to when she fell in love with Stephen.
Maybe time travel could help us, if such a thing were possible.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 23, 2019, 10:30 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Congrats on the election, it was probably the best result we could get with such a crooked electoral system. Maybe now the NDP can push you into accepting electoral reform.
Claudine caught me snooping into her Gmail account last night – damn those notifications! She was some mad, and rightly so. I had just written her a quite heartfelt email, which has now probably turned to dust in her eyes.
Had supper out with my folks tonight, and re-arranged their living room.
Came back to the loft and worked some more on the poem I have been writing to Clo for the past month or so. Here is the current draft, almost finished:
We first converge on parallel lines
Emerging from forest-town lairs
Slip into foxtrot heartbeats in unison
Whisper-climb tiptoe the stairs
Quilted heavens shimmer as Selene gazes down
Through windows to the deepest marrow
In awe and bewildered, scared shitless from
This brainfreeze announcing a timeless tomorrow
Two bodies floating a ghost in the field
Drifting pond scum chase taillight embers
Blood rushing plump tongues stuffing
Exchange safe cocoons for glistening feathers
Grind rusty sand into sticky paste
Abscond unaware, head north east west south
Change names, numbers, lose numbness
Make a life to erase what’s wrote
Scale walls in Venetian masks
Sling arrows through pungent fruit and soft mosses
Slink sultry through purring forest cracks
Add up our winnings before counting the losses
Sunscreen and silent clutter, dishes piled high
Dance freely to rhythms of colour and light
This earthbound dust with such fragrant roses
Clouds knotted into jangled chains held tight
Snap twigs, play games, fuck rules
We chose the god who now worships us
Stumble into airspace stretched thin
Marbled frozen Eurydice and Orpheus
I looked away too long, burned blind into mist
Our anchored boat adrift, you hear pounding waves
The bluebird breathes fresh magic into your eyes
Its song an inevitable parting of ways
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 28, 2019, 12:02 AM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me, I’m still here. Had a great weekend with the kids now back in SJ, flight was an hour delayed so am heading to bed, no Netflix tonight, no Dark, no Big Mouth, no Queer Eye not even any Bojack. Still reading Awakening the Buddha within, which is really helping me prepare for the big talk Clo and I have planned for November 1. Finding compassion, forgiveness, gentleness.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 29, 2019, 9:07 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me, I’m still alive.
Had insomnia last night woke up at 3:30. More weird relationship and Claudine dreams.
I don’t cry anymore.
Last night went for supper at Greg and Jessica’s place. They are expecting another daughter just before Christmas.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Oct 31, 2019, 8:47 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Happy Halloween- which was postponed to tomorrow in Montreal, but not here, where I still am because my flight was cancelled. No trick or treaters out at my parent’s place tonight, too windy and rainy and also just not many kids living in the neighbourhood anymore.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
DEAR PM 