from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Sep 2, 2019, 9:49 PM
subject whip whip whip
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am thriving. AM left a book at my desk at Vox for me the other day, Taking the Leap by Pema Chödrön, a Buddhist nun. It has had a big impact on how I manage my anger and resentment towards Claudine for giving up on our relationship, and on me. I realize that I can be kind to her, even when her presence triggers me. I can sit through the uncomfortable shenpa and be in the present and not fly off the handle.It is quite amazing. I take little pauses throughout the day, and anytime I feel myself thinking about the lies and deception, I pause and breathe and I don’t break down. I think I am truly moving on.
In other news, I went out dancing Saturday with AAA and one of her partners, Rickus. We all ended up back at my place and stayed up fooling around until 6am. I worked at Vox both Saturday and Sunday, and then got a message from Nat, of Nat and Andy, asking if I wanted to go to l’Orage for a fetish night, and I did, and it was so much fun! So much latex and whipping. Saw anotehr of AAA’s partners there, we’re planning a threesome together sometime. I’m realy liking group sex lately.
Today I was at Vox most of the day, working on Felicity’s installation, basically folding aluminum insulation into a mountain and then placing bent acrylic pieces with plant leaves printed on them. You have to see the installation to really understand it. Tonight we had family dinner, Claudine made a ratatouille, then left for the evening. I put the kids to bed, cleaned the kitchen and now plan to watch some Queer Eye. Tomorrow is the last full day to get the show whipped into shape before the press preview Wednesday morning. Yikes!
I have a meeting with my financial trustees tomorrow. TD accepted the 5-year, $300/month deal. Hopefully I’ll be able to pay it all off in one chunk when I get my share for the house.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Sep 4, 2019, 5:13 AM
subject hip hip hip
Dear Justin,
I am still alive. I am calm. I met my trustee in the morning after dropping the kids off for school, then had my front tire replaced because I hit one of those giant metal plates the construction companies put over big holes in the street. Worked all day, until almost 8pm, finishing up the exhibition and I was annoyed at myself that I let Claudine take last night off, as it would have been much easier and less rushed for everyone if I had stayed out. The Buddhist teachings are helping me manage my anger, though I still want more distance and less overlapping with her. It is a fine balance. I have to go in early to work this morning, I awoke with insomnia shortly after 4am. Fun times! Nothing brings one back to the present than laying in bed wide awake watching your thoughts go by.
-chris
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Sep 9, 2019, 9:51 AM
subject no subject
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me, or my absence from writing these past few days. I may fill you in later, if I have time – I have way too much on my plate right now. Suffice to say the opening at Vox went great, I went to the openings at pole de Gaspé on Friday, Mo and I built most of the cabinetry for the bathroom, I had multiple triggers between me and Claudine and a brief spat yesterday morning, and then all my anger seemed to dissipate, and I think I have turned a corner or page or leaf or something. I’ll tell you more later.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Sep 15, 2019, 1:19 AM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me. I’m still here. We went to see Michel, our couples therapist, on Thursday morning. We were able to say some things. We went through two boxes of Kleenex. I got a lot off my chest. We had a very, very long hug on the street outside afterwards, sobbing deeply. Then at noon we met a family mediator, and learned way too much about just how complicated a separation can be. And then that night, after coming home to watch the kids while Claudine went to meet their teachers, I met up with AAA and a couple of her friends and stayed up way too late – it is always fun, and I think we stay up so late because we don’t want the fun to end, even when there is no sex involved. Friday I had a full Viva day driving a 12-foot rental truck around the city picking up supplies, that included 2 refrigerators, a lighting system, a sound system, an entire kitchens-worth of supplies, tables, benches, a wading pool and a set of bleachers, and I was knocked out asleep by 9pm, before Rose even came home from an evening out at the Taz with Oona. Today Mohanad came over and worked on the bathroom for a bit, before that I had taken the kids on a grocery run to Segals and then made an impromptu shopping trip for myself at Schreters (new jeans, sneakers and a bomber jacket). We even took the metro later for the opening at Oboro followed by traditional supper at Nouveau Système. Now I can’t sleep. Watched some Dave Chappelle, some porn and … I don’t know how to tell you this, but some pictures. Claudine’s phone backs up to iCloud and I can see them on the computer. I’ve even downloaded some racy photos of her and Stephen onto my phone. I look at them only occasionally, part of a list I’ve made about all the reasons our relationship failed and it helps me move on, I think. It helps provide closure in some perverse, privacy-invading way.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Sep 17, 2019, 5:04 AM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me. I’m still here. Had a busy weekend with the kids, a nice visit on Sunday from Michael and his kids, and worked on and off on the bathroom. Now I’m getting super-busy with Viva!, and insomnia to boot. The impending separation, and all the legal and financial complications, is giving me mild anxiety and stress, not to mention the fact that almost every waking (and dreaming) moment is spent dwelling on thoughts of Claudine. I really wish this had gone the other way.
Damn the lighting console for Viva is beyond my mental capabilities.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Sep 19, 2019, 10:38 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me. You have much more to worry about, what with that brownface photo that has been everywhere. The last time I was in blackface I was 10, and not happy about it even then – my mom made me up as some sort of zulu warrior for Halloween. Saying sorry now might not get you very far.
I felt a bit of a relapse today, had some tears, got lost in anger and bitterness and sadness. At the end of the day – which is now – I realize yet again I have to just keep working on my new life, that doesn’t include her in my every waking thought. I just don’t know how to push her out of my mind.
Looking for apartments for rent sucks, I’ve started posting to Facebook and so far have one good lead, but otherwise it is crickets for what I am looking for.
Today I couldn’t find my car keys, which screwed up my day a bit. I left a note on the windshield for the parking agent, as I was stuck on the Thursday cleaning side, begging them not to give me a ticket and guess what? They didn’t! They do have hearts! I spent the morning at Vox, then made the kitchen table for Viva while I was there, then painted a couple hours at Anne’s but still didn’t finish the ceiling. I literally have no time to do it between now and October 3, my departure date for Saint John. Like I told Claudine during our session last week: I cannot get out of here fast enough.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Sep 20, 2019, 11:34 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me, I’m still here. Oddly enough, today I received my first boilerplate reply from you in almost 4 years – your first in fact as PM. Was it because I mentioned blackface in my letter from yesterday? I bet it was! It was the exact same letter I’ve been getting since the Chretien years:
Please know that your e-mail message has been received in the Prime Minister’s Office and that your comments have been noted. Our office always welcomes hearing from correspondents and being made aware of their views.
Thank you for writing.
Sachez que le Cabinet du Premier ministre a bien reçu votre courriel et que nous avons pris bonne note de vos commentaires. Nous aimons être bien informés de l’opinion des correspondants.
Je vous remercie d’avoir écrit au Premier ministre.
In other news, I had a full day at Viva setting up the tech gear, and then spent the evening with Sol – Rose was at a sleepover – and then had a tense meeting with Claudine about how we are going to tell the kids about our separation on Sunday. I am still triggered by her very presence. I need to get away.
-chris
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Sep 23, 2019, 5:30 AM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me, I’m still here. We told the kids about our separation last night. Rose cried a bit, softly while trying to finish her churros. Putting on a brave face, which broke a whole new part of my heart, because I know how much she wanted us to stay together. I know she’ll get over it, and not living with uncertainty is certainly for the best. Sol seems completely detached and uninterested, though he tells me he loves me all the time, and I know he is comforted in knowing how much we each love him. Last night he told me he loves me forever. Nice to know that at least my kids have unconditional love for me.
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Sep 24, 2019, 9:51 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t worry about me, I’m still here. Working long, long days at Viva. Last night was the opening dinner, Claudine came with the kids. I tried to ignore her. We’re civil to one another in front of the kids but I don’t think I can pretend enough to handle any more family dinners. I wrote her an angry email a few days ago, after our talk with the kids, saying basically I don’t want her sympathy or apologies. I want her to be out of my life.
In other news, I do wish I was running against you this election, it really would have been perfect. Here I am, almost 20 years into this email correspondence project with the PM, and the current PM is also my MP. It would have been a great project, but life is moving me in a different direction. Like trying to find an apartment in this neighbourhood that I can afford, almost impossible. Or finding the time and energy to finish the bathroom renovations.
The festival performances begin tomorrow night and I imagine 10-12 hour days until Saturday. I’ll most likely stick around for the WWKA performance Saturday night, since the kids will be there, but I told Claudine I don’t want to see Stephen there. I can handle texting with her, but just seeing her is triggering.
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd
to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Sep 29, 2019, 9:56 PM
(no subject)
Dear Justin,
Don’t you worry about me, I was just completely occupied with the Viva festival, working 16-hour days but feeling very fulfilled. Working with performance artists is an honour but also a gift, and I think I have it, and thoroughly enjoy it. It is amazing to see so many people – sometimes more than 200 in an evening – gathering to watch challenging performance art. AAA came out to all 4 nights, and I ended up crashing at her place in Verdun all 4 nights as well. Claudine performed in the final WWKA appearance at just past midnight last night, but again we had very little interaction, even this morning when I came home and she left for Stephen’s. Less texting and overall communication is better for me. I also participated in Rosamond King’s Leave it behind project, which totally choked me up and I ended up crying about trying to leave behind my relationship with claudine, leaving a drop of blood to symbolize it and then had a nap up in a crawl space above Michelle’s office, then pounded out a series of complicated tech changes in between the evening performances, and now am falling asleep, need to catch up on sleep only have 3 days to complete the tear-down and return of materials, am stressed about time.
-chris
—
Chris Lloyd
° 514 295-3048
° Twitter : @dearpm
° Instagram : dearpm2001
° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
DEAR PM 