from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 6, 2020, 10:15 PM subject One
Dear justin,
This is my first letter of 2020. Sorry it is taken this long. Judith was visiting and helped with my apartment into great shape, her vision is quite astounding. My place look like a frat house, no not exactly that parentheses no beer bottles and parentheses, but college dorm room – like. Now it looks great!
I met with the notary and Claudine today to sign all the relevant documents and I should get my check Wednesday or Thursday. Hopefully it is the last time I need to see my ex in a while. I still can hardly believe the depths of her deception. In fact, I am now even questioning my paternity in regards to song. I ordered a home paternity kit to complete in the coming week or so.
I start work at Fox tomorrow and have the kids until Friday morning, so A new routine should be more emerge shortly.
Part of the new routine is going to bed early and waking up early, with or without the help of sleeping pills. With tonight.
Dictated, not corrected
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 8, 2020, 8:40 AM subject Two
Dear Justin,
I’m on my way to the notary to get my check. The office is on Beaubien est, pas the very first neighbourhood I lived in when I first moved to Montreal more than 15 years ago.
Truth be told, I always suspected she would leave me. I undervalued myself and that contributed to it becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. But I had no clue she would be as mean, insensitive and deceptive with me.
Anyway, now I’m just a couple bus rides away from depositing $93000 into my bank account. I’ll pay off ALL my debts, max out my RRSP contribution and lock whatever is left over in a GIC. It’s such a relief to not worry about money for awhile.
Sarah and Pascal came over for supper last night, they really love the changes to the apartment. We’re like the core members of a Claudine Hubert Support Group.
I will be quite busy at Vox for the foreseeable future, there are lots of projects afoot and I am looking forward to keeping busy. Plus, Judith wants paintings!
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 9, 2020, 10:32 PM subject Three
Dear justin,
I spoke too soon when I said I wouldn’t have to worry about money for a while. I deposited the check OK, although the machine ate my card and spit out the check upon first attempt, Lucky Lea that was a clerk who could unlock the back of the machine and get my card out. Second attempt to deposit the check was fine, but I had not anticipated that tangerine would see a deposit as of $93,000 as suspicious and freeze my account. This meant that when I tried to get groceries at Thai hour add $10 transaction was refused. It was all cleared up after a 15 or 20 minute phone call, but then I still had to email supporting documents proving that the check wasn’t bogus. Too rich people have this problem? Luckily I had just enough money in my account to clear my rent check, but I don’t have a whole lot left over and it could take 2 to 5 business days before the hold is released on the big check. I’ll just have to budget really well. I do have money coming in from Sbc, although they are not super happy with the way the floors turned out. Edoardo and I each applied the stain differently, so there is some discrepancy.
Dictated, not corrected
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 12, 2020, 3:42 PM subject Four
Dear Justin,
I’m having a personal computer update day. I’ve updated my Mac OS so Rose can operate her Wacom tablet, and am installing drawing software for her. I’ve migrated an extensive iPhoto library and made a selection of photos of the kids that will run as a screensaver; the kids really like to watch pictures this way.
I’m feeling a bit lonely – also a tad hungover. I went to the opening at Vox yesterday and met AAA at the Midway. I invited her home with me but she declined; I live too far from her, and also, I don’t think we are really dating anymore. So back onto OK Cupid I go, but with way more reservations than when I first started last year. I worry about the time spent online trying to meet people.
I helped Sarah and Pascal get their new mattress and give away their old one, and she paid for my new bedframe from IKEA – my cheque has not cleared yet of course so I have hardly any money at the moment. I am considering renting a space in their studio so I can work on new paintings for Judith.
I feel torn between loneliness, security in my independence, missing Claudine and also repulsed by thoughts of her. On a related note, I received the DNA tests on Friday, so will have to wait a week before taking the samples, as Claudine has the kids this week.
I miss my kids. Maybe 2-2-5-5 and alternating weekends isn’t such a bad idea.
—
Chris Lloyd
- ° 514 295-3048
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from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 14, 2020, 9:54 PM subject Five
Dear Justin,
I had an OK Cupid date last night, which went quite well. We met at Darling for a drink. Lou had first written me on NYE. She’s very smart, a prof of literature and a writer of poetry.
I had a lunch date with Rose; Claudine had made an appointment for her at a clinic for her persistent cough. She couldn’t take her as she had a big meeting. I was happy to see her and she liked getting the morning off school and having sushi for lunch. I could only afford it because I texted my Fairy Godmother AKA Judith to rapid transfer me some cash as I thought the ventilators were not covered by public insurance – they are, but they still had me listed as under private insurance from the NGC, and were going to charge me $130. Yikes!
I’m really hoping my cheque clears by tomorrow. I’m having nightmares about not having access to that money; I have lots of people to pay back and as well lots of bills.
I’m slowly adapting to life as a bachelor and divorcé. I cooked my lunch this morning, and when I got home from work I roasted vegetables and made rice but mostly ate a bag of chips for supper. I have a couple more lunches stockpiled now. Watched a beautifully sad animated movie, J’ai perdu ma main, it was really touching and so well made.
I just wonder, how is it even possible to fall in love now? Maybe I used up all the love I was granted at birth, do you think it works that way? Is it a limited or unlimited resource? Sustainable or not? Is it environmentally friendly?
—
Chris Lloyd
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from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 16, 2020, 4:31 AM subject Six
Dear justin,
I’ll Cabs fuck fuck fuck! All caps no delete scratch that. Start again. Obviously I was trying to write in AND I am on Dictaphone and it doesn’t understand what the hell I’m trying to say. Fuck it.
So I don’t know what to do now, watch something on Netflix or read – I am almost finished lost connections, by the way – or pays around in the apartment, or set up a table for painting – Judith is going to send me some photographs soon – or try to go back to sleep. If I don’t Get back to sleep I risk being a zombie at work this afternoon.
And I don’t know why Dictaphone put that last paragraph where did; it was supposed to be the last paragraph of this letter, but you know how it is with Dictaphone. Unpredictable, like elements of life can be.mGet back to sleep I risk being a zombie at work this afternoon.
And I don’t know why Dictaphone put that last paragraph where it did; it was supposed to be the last paragraph of this letter, but you know how it is with Dictaphone. Unpredictable, like elements of life can be.
I’m upset because I can’t sleep again. Last night it was a giant roaring snow removal machines, tonight I think it’s just nerves. I have to meet Claudine Monday morning to do the transfer of ownership of the car, and I think I just get myself worked up in my head before any meeting occurs. It probably doesn’t help that I met with Francois last night at that trendy bar on Saint any whose name I won’t try to say because Dictaphone will fuck it up. Oh what the hell, it was pretty close. No, it wasn’t close at all. More like who’s on first. What’s on second. I don’t know is on third. Francois and I I haven’t really gotten together since Claudine and Caroline had their big fight and stop talking to each other back in I think it was 2012? I am going to see Caroline in a few weeks to discuss that very issue, because at the time I only heard clean side of the story.
WTF Dictaphone can’t even get that right. Her side of the story. I only ever heard her side of the story, and it was always extremely selective and to her benefit. The story of our relationship. What the hell would clean side of the story even mean. I thought these phones where are more intelligent than that.
Dictated, obviously, not corrected
Sent with positive vibes from my super-duper hand-held computing device.
from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 18, 2020, 10:09 PM subject Seven
Dear Justin,
I am still alive, and enjoying being with the kids again. Also enjoying the fact that after calling Tangerine on Thursday and politely but firmly asking them to lift the hold on my $93K, they did, so I’ve starting maxing out my daily $3K limits in paying back my loans and bills and stuff. But that’s boring. Money is only boring when you don’t have to worry about it. They only thing I need to worry about is not blowing it haha.
We’ve been watching good movies, the kids and I. We watched J’ai perdu mon corps, and another episode of Stranger Things, then went to the cinema to see Spies in Disguise (quite funny actually, and a strong anti-violent, “weird is cool” message), and started My Name, a great Japanese animation from 2016, and while out bought a game of Sorry which Sol is totally into. Nice to see he is still into board games, not always Minecraft.
Off to do some banking before bed.
—
Chris Lloyd
- ° 514 295-3048
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from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 19, 2020, 9:35 PM subject Eight
Dear Justin,
Rose was up sick last night – started vomiting around 1:30 and was up with dry heaves every half hour until 5:30. We had to cancel the playdate and visit from Femke and family, though I did take Sol to buy a sled and we went sledding at Parc Beaubien while Rose was resting. They both came with me to get groceries and played outside building tunnels in the snow, Sol even stayed while I walked Rose home with groceries, I came back to help him dig. I don’t know if she’ll be well enough for school tomorrow, which will through off the meeting Claudine and I have at an SAAQ office to transfer ownership of the car. I can’t say I will be disappointed if the meeting is postponed. I also had planned to work on Anne’s shelves and desk and as well repair Mathieu’s leaking handmade tub of water in his exhibition, which I do need to do; but I can do that with Rose in tow. Needless to say I’m exhausted from the lack of sleep but hopefully that will help me sleep all night. Finally figured out how to turn the heat down in the apartment so it isn’t so sweltering. Off to have a shower before bed.
—
Chris Lloyd
- ° 514 295-3048
- ° Twitter : @dearpm
- ° Instagram : dearpm2001
- ° Tumblr : dearpm.tumblr.com
- ° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 21, 2020, 1:31 PM subject Nine
Dear Justin,
I survived another Monday. Rose was feeling better and was able to get to school. I find that if I am up at 6 or 6:10 we have plenty of time to get through the breakfast and dressing and leaving routine. I met Claudine at a SAAQ to transfer ownership of the car. Her lunch – some egg thing – had exploded all over the inside of her knapsack. We met after the transfer to discuss upcoming logistics with the kids. She wants to take Rose to Oaxaca in the fall, on a special mother-daughter trip. Another knife to the heart: She and I had taken a trip there back in 2008-09. But whatever. I sent her a snarky text later wondering how she can afford it after short-changing me over $1000 on the house settlement because she was stretched so thin. Unnecessary. I then reiterated that we only text about kids and logistics, and anything else is email. And I won’t email her. I need to get her far away from my mind. I ditched the idea of working on Anne’s shelves and went home early to cook chile and pick the kids up early after school so we could go sledding. We all slept well last night although the giant monstrous snow-removal machines woke me up once after midnight and again around 3am. I’m at work now, updated my google sites website and realize I should update my Gmail signature.
—
Chris Lloyd
- ° 514 295-3048
- ° Twitter : @dearpm
- ° Instagram : dearpm2001
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- ° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 22, 2020, 9:39 AM subject Ten
Dear Justin,
Rose had planned to meet Claudine after school for hot chocolate and she decided to stay overnight, so we both had solo time with one of the kids. I thought Sol wanted to dig a snow tunnel after school but he changed his mind and we opted for more games of Sorry. When he gets on a board game he plays almost non-stop. He woke me up at 3am last night because I had said I would sleep in Rose’s bed but fell asleep in mine. Tossed and turned for at least an hour with a too-active brain – re-hashing moments from my marriage, feeling confused and sad and hurt and a bit messed up. And now I’m at work and there is a ton of things to do. And I still haven’t changed my email signature.
—
Chris Lloyd
- ° 514 295-3048
- ° Twitter : @dearpm
- ° Instagram : dearpm2001
- ° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
- ° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 22, 2020, 10:45 AM subject Eleven
Dear Justin,
I forgot to tell you, I took the swab samples from our cheeks on Monday evening and mailed them off to the genetics testing lab yesterday. Should get results in 2-3 weeks. I’ll keep you posted, obvs.
—
Chris Lloyd
- ° 514 295-3048
- ° Twitter : @dearpm
- ° Instagram : dearpm2001
- ° Blogger : dearpm.blogspot.ca
- ° LinkdIn : Chris Lloyd
from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 27, 2020, 11:25 PM subject Twelve
Dear Justin,
OMG I just finished an epic first date that started Friday night and finished this afternoon just before I had a session with Yaël and then a meeting with Caro – Claudine’s best friend from many years ago. If you dip into my archive you’d find out who she is, we went to Mexico with her and François (they had since separated) but she and Claudine had a falling out in 2012. I wanted to hear her side of that story; not surprising to hear that she has made almost identical observations about Claudine that everyone else has made. It helps me feel more compassion for her, in that she is clearly suffering and hiding her shame through constant distraction. Anyway, I’m moving on.
My Friday date was with with TJ’s ex – re-read my letter to you I sent on August 18 to find out more – and it was amazing. We took a brief hiatus on Saturday as she had a couple parties and I had a date – but ended up meeting my Friday date at one of her parties and we spent the next 2 days together at my place. She’s an exceptional person and we connected really well and we are really both into one another…
In other news, I’ll get the DNA results this coming Friday afternoon. I have no idea what to expect or how I’ll feel either way.
I need sleep. Now.
—
- ° Chris Lloyd
- ° 514 295-3048
- ° chris lloyd projects
from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 29, 2020, 1:32 PM subject Thirteen
Dear Justin,
OMG after work and meeting Anne-Marie to catch-up I had Date #2 with Jess, impromptu and unprepared to stay overnight but I did and it is quite clear now to the both of us that we are in deep, deep crush territory with each other. It’s funny how just a week ago, and for quite some time actually, I was thinking a lot about how difficult it will be to fall in love again, to trust someone and feel that freedome and inhibition – and voila! There is is. Or whoops, I did it again? Maybe I do fall for people too hard and too quick… but I was already tired and unsatisfied with online dating and I didn’t meet Jess that way, I met her through AAA and TJ, and we sensed we had great chemistry back in the summer, so in a way this doesn’t feel so rushed or precipitated.
Anyway I had best get back to work, painting a couple big tall walls in the salle de médiation Twilight Zone black – Judith’s favourite black, and mine too. It always looks amazing.
Lucky number thirteen.
—
- ° Chris Lloyd
- ° 514 295-3048
- ° chris lloyd projects
from chris lloyd to pm@pm.gc.ca
date Jan 31, 2020, 9:22 AM subject Fourteen
Dear Justin,
OMG had date #3 with Jess last night – is it a date when really we just hang out, have lots of great, mind-blowing sex, conversations, and sleep together deeply in each others’ arms? Is that a date or not just a perfect life? It feels like more than a crush. It’s a bit scary – I remember this feeling, because I think the last time I really felt it was 16 years ago with you-know-who.
Speaking of my Ex-Wife, I got the DNA results back yesterday. When I saw the email I honestly thought I was going to have a heart attack, mine started beating so hard and so fast. I suddenly realized I wasn’t emotionally prepared for a negative result. Luckily Sol is 99.999998% my biological son. Knowing that for sure takes a bit of the edge off some of the lingering anger I have towards my ex. I think I shall refer to her forever more – at least to you, or the next PM – as my Ex.
Something big and powerful and wonderful is moving in and overwriting any sense of loss and rejection that remained with pure joy and love.
Is that hokey enough for you?
—
- ° Chris Lloyd
- ° 514 295-3048
- ° chris lloyd projects
DEAR PM 